Saturday, November 23, 2013

The Story Of My "Failed" HBAC



October 30th and 31st
                At 41 weeks 4 days, I decided to try to do a sweep to get things moving. A visit to MariAnne’s office showed that I was not dilated enough to do so. I was a fingertip dilated and 50% effaced, baby at station -1. I was not too surprised; tons of people have no signs of progression before labor starts! The next day, 41 weeks 5 days, was Halloween – I had been so worried I wouldn’t be able to go with Nolan and yet here I was, still pregnant! During the work day I’d been having contractions, some painful, most mild, off and on all day. Things picked up as the evening progressed and I had regular contractions, about every 6-9 minutes, all night.
November 1st
                I slept pretty well, hoping to wake up to some major contractions in the wee hours of the morning. Friday morning they were still present, but had not increased in frequency, so I thought that going for the NST/BPP to be on the safe side, just in case this wasn’t ‘real’. As soon as I walked into the hospital, my contractions stopped. The contractions that had been going for a whole day, stopped just from walking into the hospital – it is amazing how the mind works!
                We spent most of the day at the hospital. The NST was perfect, but the BPP showed low fluid. The staff was extremely harsh and pushy. They wanted to induce and they wanted to do it NOW. I couldn’t do it, I knew my body was getting things started and it just needed a little more time. So, I signed out AMA and went home. A call to MariAnne and she assured me that hydration would help and to relax and let the adrenaline from the visit go, she was sure it was stopping my contractions. By that evening they started coming back. They were roughly 10 minutes apart and needing me to focus on them at times. They continued through the night, disrupting my sleep a bit, but not in a major way.
November 2nd
                Things got real at about 5 a.m. I woke up to a pretty harsh contraction and they continued. I lost massive amounts of my plug during those first few hours. They ranged about 6ish minutes apart, lasting 30-40 seconds. Within 2 hours, they were 3 minutes apart, last 45-50 seconds, and I was moaning through most of them. MariAnne called at about 8:30 to check in and I gave her an update. Even with them being 3 minutes apart, the short frequency had me convinced there was no rush in her coming out. She said she would head my way at about 1:30, unless something picked up before then. I spent most of the day contracting by myself, hubs had running around to do and I was handling them by myself pretty well.
                By the time MariAnne got there they were pretty intense and having counter pressure felt fantastic. They stayed 2-3 minutes apart and lasting about a minute each for the remainder of the day. MariAnne arrived about 2:30 and I was 4/5cm dilated, 70% effaced, and Oakley was at 0 station. The contractions continued and there was not a position that I was comfortable in. I found the strongest contractions were present while sitting on the toilet. I tried to spend as many contractions there as I could handle. We rotated positions on the toilet, birthing ball, on all fours, etc. Nolan tried to comfort me during contractions; he would come up rub my belly and tell me – ‘it’ll be ok mommy’ over and over again, while rubbing my belly, during contractions.
                Around 5p.m. another check put me at 6cm and 90% effaced, Oakley still at 0 station. A problem presented itself when my blood pressure was hovering at 160/100. We talked with MariAnne and she suggested that getting in the tub might help bring down my blood pressure. They started filling the tub, which took some time. At about 6:00 I hopped in the tub, it felt amazing and best of all – my blood pressure came down! I continued to labor in the tub with contractions much easier to manage and they only slowed slightly to 4ish minutes apart on occasion. The decrease in blood pressure was only temporary and by 7:30 it was back up again. Another check within 30 minutes and it was still the same - 160/110.
                At that point MariAnne sat and talked with me about transferring. Oakley sounded good, but my high blood pressure readings had her worried. We talked for a bit and decided a transfer would be best. I got out of the tub and got ready to go while everyone else put bags together, cleaned up the tub, etc. At 8:45 my water broke, a relatively small gush, but noticeable none the less. It looked meconium stained, but initially we assumed it was more of my plug. The contractions got really intense after my water broke and were coming every 2 minutes. The hour+ ride to the hospital was much of a blur, I was in so much pain and unable to change positions made things even worse. I was crying through the contractions.
                We arrived at the hospital and walked to triage. Upon admittance my blood pressure was still elevated and they took urine and blood to check for pre-eclampsia. All was clear as I knew it would be. They did a quick check to ensure that Oakley was head down and sent me to L&D. I was still 6cm and 90% effaced at this point. I hung out on the birthing ball while everyone got settled in and MariAnne stayed and talked with me for a while. I had some more gushes of water that undeniably showed meconium in the water. My blood pressure stayed elevated, but since I obviously wasn’t pre-eclamptic they didn’t bother me too much about it. The doctor on call was not exactly VBAC supportive and kept claiming that Oakley wasn’t handling contractions well and that we should start considering a RCS. Granted he did have decels during contractions his recovery from them was within normal range. They pumped me full of fluids and his decels and my blood pressure both got better. I am guessing a bit of dehydration may have been a viable culprit. MariAnne left at about midnight and said she would check in the next day.
                The doctor, quite literally, harassed me all night. If she wasn’t coming in to see if I wanted a RCS, she was doing cervical checks with no regards to my contractions. My contractions slowed during the night, can’t even tell you the frequency because all I wanted to do was sleep and no one was letting me. She kept talking about my contractions slowing down and when I asked her if Pitocin was an option to pick them back up should they continue to peter out she told me that she would ‘never allow’ me to receive any induction medication, but if I wanted an epidural and RCS she would be happy to call the anesthesiologist. She was a peach, no doubt. Luckily the nurse I had, had two natural births of her own and was very encouraging. She came in as often as she could to help me through contractions while my husband tried to get some shut eye.
November 3rd
                Thankfully shift change came somewhere around 5-6. Our new doctor, Rankin, came in to tell me that I was the hot topic of the morning. He was quite encouraging and said that he was not ready to throw in the towel. I had managed to progress an additional cm during the night and was solidly 7cm and 90% effaced with Oakley still at 0 station. I talked with Rankin for a bit about my previous pregnancy/section and the reason for transfer and what course of action I wanted to take. I told him that I would prefer to avoid Pitocin and wanted to give my body a bit to see if the contractions picked up on their own. He was supportive, agreed, and left saying he would check back in.
                About 7:30 my contractions were still wildy inconsistent and sometimes, nonexistent. So we started Pitocin at about 8. Within minutes I started feeling contractions, some were mild, some were intense, and as they continued to increase the dosage the contractions got even more intense, longer, and closer together. By 11ish they were back to back longer and stronger than any of the contractions I had had previously. Oakley was handling the contractions ok, but it was important for me to stay on the monitors, his decels were starting to lag. A couple of cervical checks revealed no progress in dilation, effacement, or station. I was growing weary from the contractions, but was staying as optimistic as possible.
The contractions stayed 2minutes apart lasting a minute each from 11ish on. Most of those hours are a blur. At about 3-4 and showing no progress we regrouped and decided to try an epidural to see if relaxing would help things progress. The anesthesiologist was in surgery and unable to get there right away. She came in sometime around 5(?) to administer the epidural. She made my husband and mom leave the room while she did it which was quite upsetting for me. It took three tries for her to get the epidural in correctly. Once it was place I was able to feel contractions, but only that they were present, not the pain associated with them. I positioned myself in an upright position with my legs position Indian style to open my pelvis as wide as possible now that I was immobile.
The contractions continued and intensified, Oakley heart rate deceled, and the lags between it coming back up continued. A check about 2-2.5hours later showed no progress, no change in station. I had progressed 1cm in 24 hours. My water had been broken, with meconium in it for nearly 24hours, and my temperature was creeping up (though not high enough to call fever at that point). We had another chat with Rankin at that point and he left us to discuss our options. My husband, always supportive of my choices, even then, only said that he felt like we were – ‘just waiting for something to go wrong’. He was right. Independently these items were not significant, together, they were and that brought me to tears. I cried for a while and called for Rankin to tell him that we were going with the section.
I am not much of a negotiator, but I made demands as it was important this experience was different than Nolan’s. Due to the meconium they had a NICU team on standby for when he came out. They were to get him first and make sure that he hadn’t aspirated any meconium. I talked with the NICU team to ensure that my husband would be able to stay close and even to cut the cord, assuming all was well. I talked with the anesthesiologist to request that after baby was born that my hands be unstrapped so that I could hold my son. I talked with the nurses to ensure that he was not to leave our side, at all. Rankin, the surgeon, and I talked about being sure to use the same scar and to do another double stitch. They were wonderful and agreeable and didn’t fight me on anything.
On November 3rd, after roughly 36 hours of active labor, Oakley was born weighing 9lbs 9oz and 22.5inches long via RCS. He had the same markings his brother did at birth. An impressive cone head (sans hematoma thankfully) and bruises on either side of his head giving me the assumption that he was posterior as well. He was wedged in my pelvis and invoked some wiggling to get out. He received Apgar’s of 9 and 9 and did not aspirate any meconium. My placenta showed no signs of calcification and everything looked healthy. No one can ever say that he was in any danger by me going postdate, Rankin said so himself ;)
I, unfortunately, was far too shaky from the epidural to hold him. I still had them release my hands so that I could touch him while William snuggled him close by. Sewing me back up took longer than originally anticipated. Apparently from the previous section my bladder had adhered to my uterus, so they had a lot of scar tissue and adhesions to reconcile with. They even pumped my bladder full of sterile milk to be sure it was fully functioning - first time I've ever heard someone ask for milk in the OR - even some of the nurses were confused LOL 
William took Oakley to recovery so that they could check his blood sugar and wipe him down; he still had quite a bit of meconium on him. I was able to close my eyes for a bit, I could barely hold them open, likely due to the major blood pressure drop that I experienced from the epidural. Everything went as I requested, except for one issue. The bladder adhesion meant I only receive a single closure this time since they were worried about nicking my bladder while sewing me up. I don’t know what the future impact of that will be or if it will even matter since I have no idea if I will have more children.
I arrived in recovery about 30 minutes after they had taken Oakley back. Apparently his blood sugar was a little low (by a few points) and one of the nurses had tried to give him a bottle. Thankfully Oakley fought the nurse on taking it and my mom stopped her. A little less than an hour after birth we had our first nursing session, he latched on and nursed like an absolute champ. He was so alert! ((Also chewed out the nurse a bit, but that’s another topic altogether)) His blood sugar came right back up within minutes after we nursed. We stayed in recovery for an hour and almost got stuck there since apparently no one wanted to take me being that my blood pressure and pulse were still elevated. Eventually a number of calls to different doctors to confirm that my blood pressure and pulse had been elevated since admittance and was not a product of the surgery they allowed us into a regular room. 
The end result was this gorgeous little man that I would do it over and over and over again for. He is perfect and amazing. It will be a long time before I can reading someone else's birth story without crying. It'll be some time before I am not bitter about my utter inability to birth him the way nature intended and the sting of others who can does not pierce me so deeply. These are my petty, shameful truths, and I am working on owning them the best I can.
 

 

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

41 Weeks 4 Days - "Failed" Membrane Sweep

Turns out I am only 50% effaced and a fingertip dilated. So, no sweep for me. She was able to stretch my cervix forward a bit (it is still posterior). I had a pretty intense cramp when she did that, so she held it for a minute til it stopped, but nothing exciting since than. I've had a couple semi-intense braxton hicks since I've come back to work, but not really much different than what I've been having for days. Little man is at -1 station, which I was pretty happy about. I don't think Nolan was ever that low.

Honestly, it is pretty much exactly what I expected. I did think that I would be more upset than I am about the lack of progress, but really - I am not. I am kind of at peace. It only helps to solidify my decision to keep rejecting the idea of an induction. An induction on an unfavourable cervix - 'fool me once' - I won't be fooled again.

It does take away my hope of him coming before 42 weeks though. I know it could happen quite literally ANY day and having faith in my body that it CAN do this gets harder as time passes. Everyday I wake up sad, that 'today' isn't the day. Than I take a deep breath, talk to baby, and I feel better.

We had a brief discussion about my care at 42+ weeks, since I am pretty sure that both hubby and I agree that we would like to wait little man out (at this point anyways, talk to me again as we hit 43 weeks LOL). Basically the NST/BPP would continue every 48-72 hours and as long as everything continues to look good, than we are still good to go for the homebirth. She was pretty clear that any indication during labor of anything not going well, we would be transferred immediately. She would of course come with. It alleviated a lot of anxiety I had. I kept thinking I was going to hit 42 weeks and she was just going to wash her hands of my homebirth. So, it is nice to know that assumming all stays well, we can continue as planned.

Of course any issues with little man changes the game-plan and hubby and I will revisit. I do *not* look forward to the cotinued harassment at the hospital. I know our decision to go over 42 weeks will not be accepted gracefully and already imagining lots of harassment. I can't decide whether I should continue to play nice or if I need to be more firm (i.e. rude) next time. We will see, I guess a lot of it depends upon how they choose to treat me next go around.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

NST #1 @ 41weeks 2days

I didn't have the energy to update yesterday.... Basically I am just going to copy and paste what I posted in ICAN. There is more in the gaps that I didn't fill in, but thinking about it still angers/upsets me and I am really trying not to dwell on it.

"I had my NST/BPP at TGH today. Baby looked fantastic (passed both BEAUTIFULLY) but they were AWFUL. The moment I said I was a homebirth the nurse got cold and it was harassment from than on.


I was stuck on the NST machine for two hours, despite them coming in and telling me his heart tones looked fine after less than an hour. I finally took it off and refused to wear it any longer (of course they argued). It is only a 30ish minute test for goodness sake.


I spent an additional two hours repeatedly refusing a cervical check and telling the resident doctor, at least, three times that I did not want to be induced. All while she told me I was risking my babies life and was I SURE I understood the risks.


Finally got the BPP and waited another hour for the overseeing doctor to come in and tell me that I was trying to leave my son without a mother and trying to kill my baby. I had finally had enough and told her I wasn't there to ask for her approval on my decision to home birth. At that point she wrapped up her conversation with he's measuring big and probably won't come out vaginally anyway.


I am scheduled to go back on Wednesday and I am already stressed out about it. I was there for almost 7 hours today. SEVEN. I feel so..... de-humanized... I wasn't asking them to agree with my choice AND little man looked perfect... So why, why the harassment?!?!?! I don't know if I can emotionally handle this."

This where I will have to deliver if my homebirth doesn't work out or if I go beyond 42 weeks. They kept talking about how VBAC friendly they were, maybe that's true - if I totally and completely and only comply with what YOU want. Otherwise all I saw was a bunch of fear-mongering bullys.

I couldn't even get the energy up to contact the midwife and let her know how it went. I don't think I can go back on Wednesday, I just... don't know if I can handle it again. Yesterday had me so broken down by the time I got home, I was emotionally drained, I don't need that right now.

I'll be calling my midwife here shortly once I get a break at work and probably giving the OK to do the sweep. Don't know how we'll meet up today being that I work all day, but we'll see. I am hoping that I can convince her to push back having another NST til Friday.

Exciting news!!! I had some bloody show last night at about 8ish (er at least that is what I am pretty sure it was, it was CM/Mucous mixed with what was clearly blood). No contractions and no more since than so maybe it was just a one time fluke. Who knows.... It is about the only 'progress' I've had - so I'll take what I can at this point.

Anyway, nothing else interesting to report. Hopefully soon :-)

Sunday, October 27, 2013

"41 Week Appointment"

....and yes, I am still pregnant!

MariAnne is back from her vacation, it was nice to see her again! It was a stressful appointment for me. As I enter the 'post date' range I get increasingly more anxious. Highlights:

*Lost another pound. Most definitely due to the insane sickness I experienced over the weekend. I was laid up, hardly able to eat, for over 2 days. It was awful.

*BP was elevated 138/84 - again I am a big ball of stress these days, so I am not surprised. My levels at home have been fairly consistent and generally are only elevated after a long work day.

*She did her own little quick NST, listened to babys heartbeat as he started moving, and it accelerated beautifully, so as long as he's not napping during our NST tomorrow - I know we will do just fine.

*Keytones in urine, as usual, but nothing else.

*My swelling is intense, its quite uncomfortable and takes more time to go down these days.

Beyond that we got everything together to start NSTs starting tomorrow. It is only an assumption, but it seems (to me) that MariAnne is a bit less comfortable with postdate pregnancies than I originally anticipated (which is OK by the way, everyone has their own comfort levels). I'll basically be doing an NST every other day (Monday, Wednesday, Friday) unless baby comes of course ;-)

MariAnne did offer to sweep my membranes this week, if I choose. So far the little conversation that William and I have had has us saying no, but we will see how I feel over the next few days.

I am worried about the NST, dealing with the OB situation. More specifically my blood pressure, but I can only do so much to control that.

Anyway.... 41 weeks!!


Saturday, October 19, 2013

"40 Week Appointment"

My appointment went wonderfully! Key notes.

*MariAnne is officially on vacation so I got to visit with Charlie today, love her!

*Keytones and Leukocytes in my urine. Nothing unusual and just proves I am still fighting off this ridiculous head cold. ((NO PROTEIN))

*I lost a pound. Putting me at +2 for the pregnancy :-)

*BP was actually perfect 120/80 - crazy!
 
We talked a bit about my elevated readings that I had been getting at home. I had been so stressed out since my readings had hit that 140/90 "cap" that we've been trying to stay under. Charlie didn't seem overly concerned since in all reality it is merely points away from what is considered my 'normal' range. She made me feel a lot better about the whole situation. The basis of the conversation came down to as long as I don't have a blood pressure reading that spikes out of my norm (i.e. 160/100 or something crazy like that) than our home birth is still a go.

Have I mentioned I love the personalized treatment that I receive with both of them??? They really look at me and the reality of the situation. I am not pre-eclamptic - first of all!! We have managed my hypertension this far and the confidence that she/they have that we can continue to do so gives me the strength that I need!

Anyways - TODAY IS MY DUE DATE! Eeek!! So here is me at, today, at 40 weeks!!!

Thursday, October 10, 2013

"39 Week Appointment" - 38weeks 5days

Today's appointment was mostly 'hum drum' so to speak.

*Gained a pound (woot!)

*BP was 130/80 - which is just beyond awesome!

*Keytones (yes, yes I know I should eat breakfast)

*Little mans heartbeat was great in the 140's - he was sleeping <3 p="">
*Swelling is a bit worse than what it has been and she wasn't all too happy about that. I've been extra busy and on my feet a lot this week. I plan on being soooper lazy on my 3 day weekend this weekend, so that'll help get things back on track :-)

One of the new birthing assistants is LeAnn (the other is Amy - super sweet) and she is actually the one who came and told her HBAC story at our birthing classes. I was quite excited to see her! Her story was inspirational and now she just might get to attend my birth - how cool is that!

MariAnne is going on vacation (well deserved) from the 17th - 23rd to visit her son in New York (call me jealous!) and is leaving Charlie in charge during that time frame. So if little man decides to show up during that span Charlie will be for sure deliverying. Good thing I think Charlie rocks so I am not worried about it in the least :-) Just need to make sure mom and hubs get Charlie's number in their phones as well so there is no confusion.

MariAnne suggested that, if we can afford it, that I make my chiropractor appointments weekly from here on out. Especially with all the other little 'signs' I've been having and my pelvic/hip pain. I am inclined to agree. I think keeping everything aligned is going to be really important to a succesful (hopefully short) labor and delivery.

So, now we continue the same thing we have been doing - waiting.
 

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Newborn Cloth Diaper Update!

I officially got all the cloth diapers prepped and ready to go last weekend! It was so much fun playing around with newborn diapers (I might not be saying that a few weeks into him being here!). I only part time CD Nolan as an itty bitty because I never expected to give birth to such a small baby (being that he was only 6'12 at birth) and he stayed little for soooo long. This time I am prepared!!







What is better than itty bitty hanging diapers!?!?
So, freaking, cute!










The official stash shot!

Left Row - Newborn Swaddlebee Basix

Second Row - XS FB, Newborn Grovia, and Lil Joeys

Third/Fourth Row - Goodmama Newborn Fitteds

Fifth/Sixth Row - RnR (Rockin Rumps) Mini. Mostly A12, but a couple hybrids as well.

Back - Stack of Prefolds and 2 RaR Newborn covers


I can not wait to put them to use! I hope to be able to update (with pics) of which are my favorites and why. It is so hard to find newborn diaper reviews that are done by people who have used cloth before. I think the first go around you are still fumbling to learn how to use them effectively and I have a hard time  trusting reviews like that. So, maybe, I'll be able to help someone else at some point along the way!

Thursday, October 3, 2013

"38 Week Appointment" - 37weeks 5days

--38 Week Appointment--

*Lost 3 pounds (whoops!)

*BP was 130/88 in the office. A little higher than what I've been getting at home. Usually bottom number is in the mid 80's. As long as we stay under 90 - we're good. Only a couple more weeks, just need to keep it behaving itself for a couple more weeks (my mantra)!

*Fundal height jumped to 39 this week. Midwife thinks he might have had a bit of a growth spurt! <3 p="">
*My iron draw showed that my iron was a bit low (which explains why I've been so tired). She suggested I pick up a liquid iron supplement and start taking it (doesn't that sound yummy?).

*Highlight of the appointment - I AM GBS NEGATIVE - WOOT! :-D

Nothing else interesting to report. No protein in my urine, keytones (as usual) were present, still swelling - right side worse than left.

We are 110% ready - homebirth wise - not a single item left on the list to get. I am getting quite excited for our impending homebirth. A part of me is still reserved in that I don't want to get too excited and than our plans change. I can't help it, my pessimistic side won't let that possibility go. It is just a small side though, the midwives have been extremely supportive and wonderful. They seem to have faith that I can do this and that my hypertension is just hypertension. I am just going to keep with my routine and hope that it keeps having that positive effect that it has been all along.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

"37 Week Appointment" - 36weeks 5days

Highlights

*BP was perfect. My 'normal' in office reading of 130/80. Talk about getting ones self worked up for nothing.

*Measuring perfect at 37weeks. Though baby is hanging out all on one side now. It is quite uncomfortable.

*Pelvic pressure - a good thing? Midwife said it is baby getting ready - so I guess I am supposed to be excited about feeling like there is a bowling ball between my legs LOL

*Took my blood again to see how my iron was. I was 'just' below normal range last time so I am hopeful that it is over that so we don't have to prick me anymore.

*Did GBS testing today. They have you do the GBS testing yourself - HOW AWESOME IS THAT?!?!? Should know the results next week at my appointment.

*Ketone's in my urine.... again.... It is this whole eating breakfast thing. Apparently a piece of toast was not enough this morning.... Whoops.

*I HAVE OFFICIALLY GAINED WEIGHT! It is a monumentous moment in the pregnancy when I can say I've officially put on some weight. It's been 3 weeks (?) since I've been weighed and I am up 5 pounds! I thought that was A LOT, but she didn't seem concerned at all and was excited to see me officially put on some weight LOL

My appointment was with Charlie again today. I absolutely adore her. She is so fun, full of life, and vibrant! She got her license a week (er two weeks?) ago and is officially a midwife herself!!! She is amazing and I am glad that I've gotten  a chance to meet with her a few times. I would be honored to have either, Marianne or Charlie, attend this little ones birth. Or heck, maybe I'll get lucky and get them both! Nikki is the only assistant I've met thus far and I adore her as well. She is so sweet and caring. It is just an office full of awesome woman and regardless of what happens with this little guys birth I will be bragging about them to anyone who will listen - for sure.

As for me I am feeling better. Trying my best to take this one day at a time. I need to not stress about every little thing. Keep doing what I am doing. Drink my nettle tea, my calm, walk everyday, just focus on healthy habits. That is all I can do at this point. I need to squeeze in some more mediation time on the exercise ball, I think that would be extremely beneficial to my mindset.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

36weeks 4days - Blood Pressure Update

My blood pressure revealed a crazy high reading last night. 140/96 (after walking mind you, but still). I went into total panic mode, which than resulted in me crying to my poor husband. I feel so bad about it now, but when I saw that reading I just lost it. All I saw was a transfer of care, OBs pressuring me, bed rest that we can't afford quite yet, etc.

After my mini break down my husband reassured me (bless his ever optimistic self) and made me lay down and relax for a little while. We re-took it and it had come down to 130/80. Not great, but definitely better. I had to be laying down in order to get that reading though - so not exactly sure what that means in the long run. Bedrest? OB Consult? Transfer of Care? It is definitely something Marianne and I will have to review tomorrow at my appointment.

I took it on lunch today and it was 140/91. I am hoping this increase is a result of skipping my nettle tea for three days (Saturday through Monday) and eating like crap as well (I was super bad this weekend) AND not walking because of all the rain. I'm hoping I can convince her (assumming no protein or anything in my urine) to give it another week to see if I can get it back down by picking up my exercise routine and being more concrete about drinking my tea.

Upside being there is no signs of anything else. Mild headache I noticed yesterday, but nothing unusual. Swelling is there, but no different than usual. Goes down once I elevate my feet for a bit (which I am also attemting to do at work here as well). No flashy lights or floaties or any of that fun stuff. So I am sure the BP is just that, BP.

I just don't know that I can emotionally handle going back to seeing the OBs again. I just don't think I can. It was so hard last time and I was such a wreck while I was there. Heck, the BP reading the nurse got was crazy (148/98!?!?) because I was just so distraught (and annoyed at the long drive/traffic).

Will update after my appointment tomorrow....

Thursday, September 19, 2013

"Home Visit" Completed! - 35weeks 5days

Our 'home visit' went beautifully! The midwife was late, she left her cell phone at the office sos he was late, but other than that everything is great. We made sure that where we had planned to set up the birthing tub would offer plenty of room for it and for her (to be able to manuver around it). She did suggest setting up a path and being sure to have extra plastic so that we can set me up on the couch afterwards and not have to worry about getting all the way to the bedroom.

*No scale this time, so no weight update.

*BP was 140/80 - usual office reading for me. My at home readings are beautiful (this week they've been a perfect 120/80 - very happy about that).

*I did have leukocytes in my urine, which apparently means I am fighting a minor infection/cold of some sort - she said it wasn't anything to worry about.

*The right foot swelling more than the left is apparently normal. Just has to do with babies position and apparently he prefers my right side to my left - LOL

I love that when she started talking about labor and delivery she focused on getting me there, healthy, sans BP issues - and going into labor on my own. Those she focused on, not the fact that I couldn't dilate after my induction or that he was posterior, etc. It showed me that she has faith in *me* to deliver this baby vaginally and that meant so much. Now if only my BP continues to behave itself. Only a little over a week til we are full term, about the same time my BP went up with Nolan.

One day at a time. Right?

We, mom and I, have been walking every day this week. Having someone else to walk with makes it so much easier. We haven't got to walk much each day either it rans or Nolan gets bored, so maybe 15-20 minutes, but its something!

Friday, September 13, 2013

A Moment of Real - 34wks 6days

I try not to let too much emotion roll into the Blog. I prefer to keep it a place of pure information. So in order to keep precendent of that, current update includes......

*Right side of me (foot mainly) is still swelling quite a bit more than the left side. The left side will appear semi puffy by the end of the day whereas my right ankle looks like there is a golf ball shoved inside of it. It is quite interesting.

*I've had a couple days this past week of waking up with numb hands. I think it is mostly my own fault. I've been slacking on my eating habits and exercise, so the swelling is definitely worse. It only happens in the morning after I wake up and goes away quickly. I plan on getting back to my routine after the baby shower and hopefully we will see some improvement.

*At home BP has been floating in the mid 120's over low 80's. So pretty much the same there. I have been experiencing moments of high anxiety where I can feel my blood pressure go up dramatically. I've been working on it and that is part of the reason for this post.

Now for the real stuff......

Might as well call this 35wks. In Nolan's pregnancy, in 2 weeks time I would've been put on bedrest for high BP and in 3 weeks time I was being induced and subsequently told that I couldn't deliver my baby naturally. That time line is hard for me to accept and I know it is going to just get harder as it gets closer.

I remember this same gut wrenching feeling as 19-20wks approached. That was when my BP went high and they threw me on medications for it. After that date came, everything was normal, and it passed - I felt much better. I am hoping the same is true for this as well.

Than of course... the "what ifs" creep in and toy with my emotions. "What if my BP goes up again" "What if I have to transfer care" "What if they want to induce me" "What if, What if, What if"

My last appointment Charlie talked briefly about other clients they've had with similar BP issues while pregnant, even when they've sent them for consults, they were sent right back again because of no other signs of Pre-E or anything more serious. That, in a sense, is comforting to know. My BP will not be something that I agree to an induction (or a C/S for). Unless there are signs of something more serious, I refuse.

So.... Anyway.... My mind has been rolling these things around and is having a hard time letting them go. The anxiety is building up and comes bursting through at times when I can feel my chest and breathing tighten and my heart rate accelerate. I need to get back to walking which I think will help to release some anxiety. I was hoping getting it out here would help to releave some of that anxiety that I've been experiencing.

My goal - keep taking it one day at a time.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

The 'we cut off my babies hair' and 'the new babys cloth diaper stash' PICTURE Update!!

After 2.5 years, hubs finally wore me down and we chopped off Nolan's gorgeous blonde (long) hair :( He looks quite handsome, but so much older, it makes this pregnant mama a bit teary eyed!




He was such a good boy, not a single complaint the whole time! I was so proud of him and the hair stylist doted on how fantastic he was being <3 p="">

















Why do they have to grow up!?!?!?!









THE CLOTH DIAPER STASH!! This is about 99% of it - I have a couple straggles that may or may not make it in the next month or so, but thats OK I think we will survive :)



This is a mix of Goodmama NB Fitteds, RnR (Rockin Rumps on Hyenacart) Minis, Gorvia NB, Fuzzbunz XS, and Swaddlebees NB. This doesn't include my stack of prefolds or covers (RaR NB Snap Covers).

I think I have another RnR Mini and GM NB on the way at some point.

Hopefully I will have time to update with reviews of each once this LO gets here. It is so hard to find cloth diaper reviews an I would LOVE to be able to help another mama out!


........................and just for fun!!!







My RnR OS/Mini sets!! Have another set OTW too, so I'll need to take an updated picture ;-)















My Goodmama OS/NB Matching Sets. I love matching sets. (not obvious is it??)



Our Co-Ed Rubber Ducky Baby Shower - Almost Time!!

Next weekend (Saturday) is the baby shower! We've been really in gear getting things together. It is so much more work when you decide to do these things at your home (we can thank hubs for that one). We are about 95% ready after grabbing most everything this weekend and just a few spare items to grab towards the end of the week (veggies and bread, plus the cake) - things we didn't want just sitting here for a week.





We are doing a "Guess How Many Candy's" raffle. It will be set up on the same table with the onesies for everyone to "sign in" ON the onesies. Adorable Pinterest idea that we happily stole. I can't take much credit for this, it was mostly the hubs craftiness. He did a great job!!









Another idea stole from Pinterest! Cut out ties and clip them as closures for the gift bags for the winners of the games. Another one I can't take much credit for - other than the idea LOL!







We are trying to keep this as simple as possible. We have four games lined up
1 - Clothespin Game - No Saying Baby
2 - Baby Babble - Word Scramble Game
3 - How Big Is Mommy (Seriously dislike this game, but mom insisted)
4 - Memory Game - Items On Tray, How Many Can You Remember

We also were sure to buy gifts for both the ladies and the men. We have about 6 'female' gifts and 3 'male' gifts. It is unlikely the guys will participate too much, but we wanted to be prepared. I had hubs pick out the guys gifts. Things like a tire gauge, cleaning stuff for a vehicle, etc. The girls gifts are various forms of lotion, body wash, stationary, candles, etc. The gifts portion is always so hard - you want to buy something neat - but not spend a TON on it. We got most of the stuff from either the Dollar Tree or Big Lots - both of which gave us a fun variety of stuff and hopefully everyone likes it!!

Thursday, September 5, 2013

34weeks 5days

I keep getting so lost, thinking I've updated about something, but than reviewing my posts realize that I hadn't.

The OB from my consult finally sent over the 'informed consent' report. It was just as dry and uninteresting as she was (not nice I know - but true). Low transverse incision, double closure, and no extensions/nics to be noted from my surgeons report. Despite her negativity regarding my 'failure to progress' diagnose with Nolan, my scar makes me a perfect VBAC candidate. So, there is a positive I suppose - LOL!

I ran out of my Nettle Tea and my CALM this past Thursday and O.M.G. can  I notice a difference. My feet are soooo swollen and my BP crept up to 130/85ish over the past few days. Started back to the CALM on Monday and the Nettle Tea yesterday so hopefully I'll see some improvement again and SOON. My feet (i.e. tootsies in Nolan world) are getting to the "so swollen I wish they would fall off" point.

I am loving hubbys reactions to the videos we have been watching in our homebirth class. He finds birth to be so beautiful and I can not wait to share that experience (different from Nolan obviously) with him. I think he will do amazingly.

Planning the baby shower is going well. We are at about 85% ready. Maybe a little more, but they keep coming up with more things we need. I need to go pick up a few more duckies to give the lady at the cake shop to put on the cake. I can't wait to see how it turns out! I'm ready for it. After that I can get to doing some of the *big* shopping! Soooo exciting.

I will one day update with pictures, but no promises as to when - obviously.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

31weeks 4days - Consult DONE!

I'll admit to being extra lazy and the fact that I really loathe getting on the PC in the evening, I mean, I stare at it all day at work - can you blame me? Up until today, blogger has not been working on my work computer for some reason..??? Either way... Update time!

Had my OB consult on Monday. I went ahead and took the entire day off of work, because they pre-scheduled it (than called me with the time) and it was at 2o'clock in the afternoon. Basically I would only be able to work half a day anyway, kind of pointless.

Mom and Nolan ended up going with (daddy was working). It was a long, somewhat stressful, drive that I would like to *not* make again. When we got there we signed in, filled out preliminary paperwork, and than waited our turn.

First things first they took my BP (which was crazy high, but after the drive and LONG walk from the parking garage to the building - not surprised), they weighed me (216 according to them, I think their scale was off though). Than we went in the for the ultrasound - the fun part ;-)

Baby #2 looks perfect, he's healthy, measuring right on target in the 50th percentile! They 'approximate' him to be about 3lbs 15oz (we all know how reliable that is, but a funny guesstimate none the less). Placenta is still anterior, but really high (so far far away from my scar - GOOD).

My meeting with the OB was less fun. She basically was a big downer (so to speak) and didn't help to ease my moms fears of homebirthing any (though in retrospect it was my own fault for bringing her, I know she's not comfortable with the whole situation). She gave me a 50/50 chance of success and talked about all the negatives (of course), but really - legally that is what she has to do. Her bedside manner was astrocious and I am even more adament now that I would never like to return there. I'd rather give birth alone in a tub than have her deliver my baby (but I don't think hubs would agree me with on that one).

All in all, everything is OK, baby is perfect and the consult is done and over with!

We start homebirth classes this week (tomorrow!) so I am kind of looking forward to those. I am so thankful to have such a supportive husband who (without question) agreed to do these classes. I didn't even have to push! He is pretty much the only one in my corner (and the only one whose opinion truely matters) and without him it would be me going it alone and that I don't know I could handle.

My goal is to get on and update with pictures.... We'll see how that goes :-)

Friday, July 26, 2013

Midwife Appointment - 28 Weeks

I did mention in the beginning that I was a horrible blogger-er... Right???

This weeks appointment was fairly uneventful. Weight is up to 216, so another 2 pounds this month. I am right on track to gain 8 pounds this time, which is exactly what I gained with Nolan. As long as my weight doesn't speed up too much towards the end, but either way - I should be well within 'normal' range even for an extra fluffy mama ;-)

Little man's heart rate was 156, a little higher than usual, but perfect!! I am still measuring 4 weeks ahead according to my fundal height. Midwife doesn't seem concerned though and doesn't appear motivated to change my due date, which I am thankful for. She took blood for the GD test and should have those results back next week. Can I say how much I loved not having to drink that nasty sugary drink this time!?!?!

My blood pressure was 130/84 in office which I think is my best reading yet!! My home readings have been quite fantastic. During my last visit, at 24 weeks, she suggested I switch to a cold-infusion method for my Nettle Leaf Tea, instead of the hot tea that I had been doing. The swelling had started getting pretty uncomfortable. Since switching (about 2 weeks ago) to the cold-infusion method I have noticed a huge difference in the swelling and even my blood pressure has been more steady, so its definitely helping!

We talked a lot about the homebirth classes, more information on GBS testing, and some things I can do to sway my chances of testing negative. I'd really like to avoid antibiotics this time (being that I don't think I am comfortable NOT using antibiotics if I am positive - still researching this).

I have so much to update on, but I think I'll get back to work now and aim to add some pictures of me and of Nolan's new room later!

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

We Have Colostrum! ~ 23wks 4dys

Such a strange thing, leaking while pregnant. It's like.... "Well that's nice, but there is no baby to nurse yet, silly body"

Baby is officially and succesfully making mommys belly bounce all over the place! I <3 a="" any="" as="" belly="" catch="" even="" feel="" generally="" glimpse="" got="" gotten="" hasn="" he="" hubs="" it="" kicks.="" last="" ll="" moving="" my="" night.="" of="" really="" so="" soon="" stop="" strong="" t="" to="" touches="">
My blood pressure has overall been OK, but creeped up randomly to mid 120's/mid 80's at various times during this past month. Not awful and I have been stressed with finals and everything. Than last night it was 117/74, so who knows! I find my blood pressure is really sensitive to stress or if I get interrupted while taking it.

The swelling continues. It gets worse towards the end of the work week and on high volume days when I am not as able to move around so much. Otherwise it is pretty mild and stays in my ankles, lower calves. My hands have not started the 'pregnancy induced carpal tunnel' as of yet, so I am happy for that!!

Appointment with the midwife tomorrow. Only one more 4 week appointment and than we are down to every 2 weeks! It's about to get real O.o

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Random Update - 21weeks

Since I fully expect myself to go overdue, I will call today, my halfway point! It's so crazy to be having another boy and really, I didn't realize, how little it would leave me with to prepare! I mean, once we transition N to a toddler bed, his crib is open, and we can just reuse his crib set. It would be silly to get another. I have a MOUND of clothes to go through and I'll start on that in about 3 weeks when classes are out (WOOT).

Speaking of classes, I keep imagining me at 32weeks pregnant, starting back classes full time in the fall, and honestly just the thought drives me to want to take a nap. Maybe part time would be better? But I don't know if I'll have enough funding if I only do part time. Mama needs to run some numbers. Regardless, first quarter ends, quite literally, days apart from my 'guess date' and that stresses me out. Doing finals while your damn near in labor, sound like a good time to anyone else? Yeah.... No.

Pregnancy update, the swelling is in full swing. By the end of the work day my ankles are killing me. I am drinking so, so much water per the midwifes recommendation, but really it is only helping somewhat. I notice that if I drink less water, the swelling starts sooner, but regardless I am still puffy by 6-7 o'clock. Luckily it is centered in my ankles mostly and no crazy puffy hands so far (pregnancy induced carpal tunnel, crossing my fingers to avoid that this time).

The baby is a mover, pretty much 24/7 these days. I can feel periods of him sleeping, but mostly he is just a moving around in there. Quite a change from Nolan who didn't move much at all, I am loving it!!

Here I leave you with a picture of Nolan 'helping' daddy work on his new room (baby will be in his current room).

The 'BIG' Ultrasound - 20weeks 3days (Update)

Despite some minor frustrations at the radiology place, which I will spare details, but lets just say that I *hope* we do not have to do anymore ultrasounds at this place for the remainder of the pregnancy. They were rude and awful, due to THEIR mistake, and it was uncalled for. That aside!







We are having another BOY!!! Two boys, what fun!!!










Isn't he just just oh so handsome!!





His widdle bitty feet!! Lurve me some baby feet!







Everything was perfect, he looked fantastic, everything was developing as it should and he appears to be in perfect health! He is still measuring a wee bit ahead, but not by too much, within a week time frame or so!

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Midwife Appointment - 19weeks 5days

Todays appointment went pretty well. My blood pressure was up a bit 140/78, though at least the bottom number was better. I am finding myself to be a bit more comfortable with them now, so I hope that it gets better. I, like the air head I am these days, forgot the paper that I have been writing my blood pressure down on (which has been perfect by the way). She just asked for me to e-mail her a pic of it, so that she has her record as well.

I am up ONE pound! Woot! She did notice some swelling in my legs so she suggested I try to up my water intake. I've also been slacking on my Nettle Leaf tea, which I told her, so I *have* to pick some up on Saturday! Also been slacking on my protein snacks (I know, I suck) so I've got to get my a$$ on the ball!

The baby seemed to be napping again today. Took her a minute to find him/her because he/she likes to stay all snuggled up on my left side! <3 140="" again="" heartbeat="" in="" love="" s="" sound="" that="" the="" was="">
Ready for the super exciting news? TUESDAY is our big ultrasound! We are so, so excited to know what this little one is! No more calling the baby a he/she LOL

Friday, May 3, 2013

Midwife Appointment Update - 15wks 5dys

After having been taking my blood pressure at home for the past week with near perfect results, I was shocked to see a 140/90 at my Midwife appointment. Sigh. I don't know if it is because there was another lady there I hadn't met before or if I am just crazy anxious about it that I am causing all kinds of issues. I talked with her about it and explained that I had been getting good readings at home and she really thinks that it is my own anxiety that is causing the discrepencies. She asked me to start writing down my readings and to not take it more than once a day.

I have been thinking I've been feeling the baby for a month, really well for the past two, but wasn't for sure. She was trying to find a heartbeat and was having a hard time finding the little booger (stubborn much??), so I pointed out to her where I thought I had been feeling the baby. On the very left of my pelvis I always feel turning and sometimes I can feel on the outside as well, hubs even got to feel it once! Well, as soon as she put the doppler over there, we heard a very beautiful heartbeat!!! I am pretty sure that he/she was sleeping though, because last time I could feel the doppler disturbing him/her, this time not a bit of movement, just a beautiful 143 heartbeat!

Nothing else interesting to report, the battery was dead in the scale - so no weighing. Than we did a PAP (yay, who doesn't love those). I was hoping that she would go ahead and send the referral for my 2nd trimester ultrasound, but no such luck. She said she'll do that at my next appointment, in a month. I don't know if I can make it that long! lol! I told hubs I might schedule an extra ultrasound somewhere so  that we can find out gender. He said I was being too impatient :-)

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Ultrasound (from 13wks 2dys) Official Stats

It appears this babies measurements are all over the place. Ranging from the femur measuring at 13wks exactly to the Abdominal Circumference at 13wks 4dys, the Head Circumference measuring 14wks 1dy and the Biparietal Diameter (another head measurement) at 14wks 2dys! Weight was 73 grams (which is, if accurate, indicate of closer to 15wks).

Heartbeat was fantastic at 158!!!

My placenta is anterior, as I suspected when viewing the U/S. It looked to be placed similarly to my pregnancy with Nolan. Just means I won't feel much til later in the pregnancy, again. Also, if it hangs out low during the pregnancy it could cause an issue if it is placed on my scar, but no point in worrying about things we don't know yet.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Blood Pressure Update - 13wks 4dys

Well, after nearly two full weeks of taking CALM (and a missed dosage or two) my blood pressure appears to have come down a little bit. I took it while I was at Wal-Mart yesterday, after walking around for a good 15-20 minutes, and it was 136/85. It was 140/90 last time I took it at Wal-Mart, so a bit of an imporvement. Under 140/90 puts me at pre-hypertensive, instead of hypertensive. The difference? Hypertensive status means OB intervention/transfer. Pre-hypertensive means we keep working on it in a natural capacity.

From what I read it takes a full month of CALM to see a complete improvement, so I am hoping that we continue to see a downward trend. I am going to up my dosage to the full recommended 2, here in the next day or so. Once the sickies are gone I am going to start walking per the midwives recommendations as well.

Also! All the focus on my blood pressure had me forget that my iron levels have been in the normal range! Low-normal, but normal! The Nettles Leaf Tea must be working! So woohoo for that! I am trying my best to reduce my stress and anxiety surrounding this pregnancy. I just need to find a place where I am OK with whatever happens. If we do everything we can and my blood pressure is still an issue and I have to transfer - I have to make peace with that. I have too.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Ultrasound Update - 13+2weeks

Do I even need to say anything? Our baby is doing fantastic. It was the most profound feeling to see he/she moving around as well as can be. We officially know why the midwife was unable to get a heartbeat - apparently we have a little acrobat on our hands! The poor U/S tech spent twenty minutes chasing the baby trying to get the heartbeat. He/She was just doing flips the whole time. Head, butt, head, butt, occasionally hand, that's all you saw! LOL!

While she was unsuccessful in getting a good listen at the heartbeat, daddy and I definitely couldn't have been happier. Just to know everything is OK and that he/she is happy and healthy in there, that is all that matters at this moment.

Still keeping up with the daily Nettles Leaf Tea and I am up to 1.5tbls of CALM. I am hoping beyond hope that this is assisting with my blood pressure. Though blood pressure tends to go down during the second trimester anyway, so I have that on my side as well - FOR NOW.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

First Midwife Appointment - 11weeks 5ishdays

Well, my midwife appointment came and went this past Thursday. On the upside, I adore Marianne, she is sweet and compassionate and really easy to talk too. The difference in the way I felt in her MW care compared to when I was seeing and OB was remarkable. I was a part of the whole process, I was seen immediately, without an hour long wait in the waiting room. She listened  to me, she talked to me, she explained things to me when I asked a question without appearing annoyed in the least. Loved her. No doubt.

To the not-so-good stuff. My BP was up already (130/90), but honestly before walked in I felt a mild panic attack coming on before taking a moment to breathe. So, I was not surprised. Urine showed nothing interesting - all clear there. What was quite nerve wracking was the lack of a heart beat. She tried so hard, at two different intervals, to try and find it, but no luck. She didn't seem overly concerned, I do have a tilted uterus which can cause these problems. Does this make me any less worried? Hell no.

She asked if I wanted a referral for an U/S and I did. It is scheduled for the 15th (so far away!) and hopefully we will get some reassurance that this little one is OK. On the BP note she suggested that I try CALM (a Calcium Magnesium supplement) and Nettle Leaf Tea to help with the BP, anxiety, and anemia. I found the CALM at my local health food store and started it last night, I managed to find tea bags (but not the loose leaves she wanted) so I grabbed those. Drank my first Nettle Tea (with added honey) today, bearable, but most definitely not enjoyable. I'll be ordering the loose Nettle leaves online as soon as I find them.

We thoroughly enjoyed our first real Easter (previously we didn't do much since Nolan wasn't walking). Once Nolan figured it out, he really enjoyed himself!!





I think hubs and I did pretty well with the eggs! Nolan added the stickers!








Get Ready, Get Set, GOOOOO!!






aaannnddd.... Distracted by the truck!

 







Noooow we get it!!!














Checking out the booty with daddy!!!

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Pregnancy Update - 8wks 4dys

Or at least I think that's how far along I am (if not, I am close ;-)

Nausea had been rough for the past couple weeks, if I wasn't eating, I felt sick.  So far, the past few days have been ok.  Little boughts of nausea when I go too long between meals or eat too much, but that's about it.  So, I am hoping that means it's over!!

I am bloated beyond belief.  My belly is probably nearing the size it was in my second trimester with Nolan!  It's crazy!  It'll be quite a while before this mama takes any belly pictures, it's much too jello-y still!

Still having lots of growing pains, but they are better than what they were.  My boobs still hurt randomly and will feel really full out of nowhere, but that is to be expected.

My plan is to make my first Mid-Wife prenatal appointment for between 11-12 weeks.  I tried calling yesterday, but no answer.  Leaving a message would be pointless, considering the hours that I work.  If given the chance, I plan on trying to take a break this morning and try again.  It is amazing how nervous I am to make a prenatal appointment!?!?!  I am baffled by the knot that comes up in my stomach everytime I make the call.

Why am I so nervous?  It's beyond me.  Something I need to work on though, if I am to have any hope of getting the birth that I want. 

I just need to remember my 'word of the year' ((positive thinking speaker idea))

FAITH

Faith in my body, Faith in my abilities, and Faith in myself.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

VBAC Community - In An Uproar

Recently a woman was threatened by a USF doctor to have police drag her out of her own.  You can read the news story here.  It was frightening to say the least, as a woman hoping with every fiber of her being to get that VBAC I so desperately want.  What's worse?  This is my locale.  If I become too 'high risk' (and yes, I will always use that term as 'high risk') and risk out of home-birth, USF will be the only place I have to turn too. 

So, how does that make me feel?

Scared.  Even more scared than I was a few weeks ago, when I discovered my pregnancy, and knew that my VBAC journey was going to be rough.

What would I say to Dr. Y given the chance? (we know I'll never get the nerve to bring this up in person if I were to meet him)

I know from many woman whom you have assisted in their VBACs, from midwives with whom I have spoken, and even from USF staff that you are supportive of VBAC.  It even appears, selflessly supportive.  While a hospital scared me, the idea of birthing in a room, stuck to monitors, on my back, gave me anxieity I could not describe - You did not.  Until now. 

Can I trust you to know I would do anything and everything in my power to get my baby here healthy?  No matter how badly I want my VBAC, there is not ONE mother on this earth that will tell you that is more important than her childs health. 

Did you forget this for a moment?
 
Would you make those threats to me?

We are all human and we all make errors in judgement (or did you think you would not get caught?).

These are the matters that cross my mind

Ultimately, my goal is to pretend like it didn't happen.  To attempt to see you as the same VBAC supportive man I had heard so much about previously.  That way, if I end up in your care, the stress of it alone doesn't send me over the brink.

Because the real truth is Dr Y..........
If we can't trust you, who can we Tampa mamas trust?

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Mid-Wife Consultation

I met with an amazing MW named Mariann today.  It was astonishingly refreshing to speak to someone who really had a passion for birth and understood the desire to birth free of interventions.  I didn't feel, as though with my husbands sometimes, like I am speaking to a brick wall.  While supportive and loving, he doesn't really 'get it' in the way that I need him to do sometimes.

The basic run down, is pretty much what I expected.  As long as I don't experience any blood pressure issues, like I did with Nolan, than all should be a go for a home birth if I choose.  If my blood pressure issues resurface, which honestly I think they will, than my care would have to be transferred to an OB.  While I understand why this has to be done, I do not like it.

One thing I was quite thrilled about is her ease and understanding of transferring in and out of care if need be.  I can start with her and she'll help me transition to an OB if I need too or I can start with an OB and if no blood pressure issues arrive and I am confident in a home birth, I can transfer back to her at about any point in time.  I found this incredibly reassuring knowing that the decision I make now is not the ultimate decider for the remainder of my pregnancy.

She also informed me, which I didn't know, that TGH will do gentle induction for VBAC patients.  That was quite a surprise to me and another source of relief.  While I hope that BP issues aren't a problem, it's nice to know that IF they are, we have options.  I won't have an OB in my face screaming C-SECTION, C-SECTION!!  They will actually attempt to induce me first and let me try for a vaginal birth.  Albeit, hooked up to monitors and IVs and the like, but still.  ((See, this is me trying to be optimistic))

Ultimately the consultation brought me a lot of answers and some clarification on things and I am beyond happy that I got up the nerve to make the appointment.  She was amazing and I hope that this pregnancy is picture perfect and I can have her as my MW, but only time will tell.

To end today on a very happy note.  A few pictures from Nolan's 2nd Bday!!





On the way to the zoo!!! ((2 and still RF FWIW ;-))
 '




 Nolan and Daddy





He seriously loved this turtle. He kept following it along the bottom of the glass!!







He kept staring every time kids walked by <3 br="">





Daddy wimped out on feeding the Rhino's so I took it for a spin!! Kind of.... slobbery! An interesting experience, for sure!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

It appears the plans to wait to TTC have failed

Because we are PREGNANT. Feb 8th was Nolan's 2nd birthday and after spending a couple days suspecting, I took a test. What a birthday present for my little boy, a baby LOL!! The emotions are high, mostly I'm freaked out... and excited. Hubs is as happy as can be, of course! We have yet to go to the doctor, but I am... working on it.

Nolan's birthday was so much fun! We opted out of doing a traditional birthday party this year. We decided to do a "behind the scenes" tour at Lowry Park Zoo. We all enjoyed it! Nolan was very freaked out by the Rhino's, but who can blame him, they weigh thousands of pounds! I'll have to add some pictures later, it really was a lot of fun!

Beginning the plans for my VBAC/HBAC have been quite a headache. I keep reminding myself that I am still REALLY early and there is plenty of time to find a provider. I wish I could make a definitive decision between hospital or home, but I keep waffling between the two.  I have a lot of concern surrounding becoming hypertensive with this pregnancy again, if it happens, and can't be controlled I feel like I'll be pushed into another C-Section and I do not want that. I am attempting to get up the nerve to make an appointment for a consultation with a midwife, but I am afraid of being told that I am NOT a good candidate. Crazy paranoia? Yes, most definitely.

My goal this pregnancy: To document everything here, as often as possible, so that I have a good reference base. I really slacked off with Nolan, but I am determined to keep an up to date on everything this pregnancy. So as of today, a matter of days past 4 weeks, I am already having the pain in my lower back from my titled uterus that I experienced with Nolan's pregnancy. I had an appointment with my chiropractor yesterday and I feel SO much better. The tata's already feel like they are trying to pick up production, which is also different from Nolan's pregnancy. Though, I am hoping I remain lucky and end up with no morning sickness this time as well (a mama can help). I am making some changes to my diet (it's been awful lately) and trying to start finding time to fit in some short walks. I am determined to be as healthy as possible this pregnancy. I have cut *way* back on my caffeine, upped my water intake, been hoping on my gazelle (though I'd prefer to just walk, but that will probably only be on the weekends), and just... relaxing. Trying not to stress about all the crap running through my head. It is a work in progress ;-)