Thursday, November 10, 2011

While putting Nolan to sleep tonight

I became a complete emotional basket-case. He was being kind of fussy and wasn't wanting to nurse. So I put him on his tummy and was patting his back like usual, no go! I picked him up started rocking him, and humming to myself. He instantly quieted down. So I started to sing, and since I don't know any lullabys I was making up my own. I'll spare you the details of the lullaby since it had no rhythym and I couldn't even manage to make it rhyme most of the time, but he seemed to enjoy it.
All that kept running through my head is, that this time is so short. How much longer til he doesn't need me anymore?? Everyday he grows more and more independent, everyday I become less and less neccesary to him. I don't want this time to end. I don't want him to grow up, but I know that is unreasonable.
The love I have for him is unexplainable. I've never felt this for anyone; not my mom, not my dad, not my brother, and not even my husband. This connection, this love for my son is vast-it is almost painful. A part of me wonders if I could love another child this much, but I know I could. I know that I have more love to give. This feeling that I get when I watch him sleep, his little lips moving while he is dream nursing, is the most amazing feeling in the entire world. I never thought anything could compare to the feeling of his kicks in the womb, but this definitely trumps it.
I want more babies. I know it and that scares me. The whole idea of going through fertility meds again, meds that might not even work (since they barely worked last time). Funding anything more than Clomid is almsot impossible for us. Plus, if I have another baby I want to stay home. Working is the most painful thing in the entire world, leaving my baby everyday in the care of someone else. That's an unrealistic pipe dream since today's economy is not built for someone to be able to live on a one person income.
All these things ran through my mind as I sang my baby to sleep, wondering just how many more times I would get the opportunity to do this. Not enough, I can tell you that much.
Sorry this was such a heavy post I had to put this someone. I had to get it out. So, to end on a good note, heres a new pic of my little man <3

Saturday, October 8, 2011

I still can't believe

I have been a Mommy for 8months as of today! I never thought I would be here. From the time I was 14 and was told by my O.B. at the time that the solution to my not having periods was to go on birth control, which made little to no sense to me. This prompted me to do my own research and what I discovered was that I have classic (severe) case of PCOS. I knew what that meant, fertility drugs were the only way I was going to be able to have a child. We are not a rich couple, we live paycheck to paycheck and fertility meds were nowhere in our near future. I resigned myself to believing that we would probably never have children, I never wanted to start my family late in life which is when we would probably have the money to do fertility meds.
I went through 4 O.B.'s trying to find one that was willing to actually listen to me. When I discovered my current O.B. he was so receptive of what I had to say! After running some blood and discussing my symptoms with me he came to the same conclusion. I was never "officially" diagnosed with PCOS, because he didn't want to damage the chances of being able to bill the Insurance company for some of the testing he was doing =P What was even more exciting is he was open to trying Clomid with me!! Since he was not a specialist in fertility his hands were tied in many ways, but he agreed to do some cycles on it with me.
Cycle after cycle was a failure, the first 2 didn't even get me to Ovulate at all. By the time that we reached our last cycle I had given up hope. I was never going to be able to give DH a child and I was going to have to come to terms with that. We started discussing adoption through the Foster Care system, which is something I have always wanted to do. As our last cycle ended and my temperature on my chart dropped, I gave up and started planning my "Christina's Infertile, Let's Get Drunk Weekend". Next thing I know, my temperature jumped back up, I tested and low and behold there was 2 lines! Yes 2! I always imagined that if we got a positive I would come up with some cute way to tell DH and even had it all planned in my head. When it happened though, all I could do was go "Um, is that a line?? I think I'm seeing things??" Not exactly sweet or memorable, but I really though I was loosing my mind!! DH saw the line, but was unconvinced. I stopped on my way to work and picked up some First Response. I took one almost immediately after going in and it was positive too! I couldn't believe it! Now, 17 months later I have this gorgeous little boy who I just can't get enough of. He amazes me everyday and I do not want to miss a thing! I love him so much, never imagined that this level of love existed.
Happy 8 Months Nolan Fredrick!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Hectic couple of months

I guess its a good thing this blog is purely for my own amusement since I can never seem to keep it updated on a regular basis =P
Nolan is 11weeks old today <3 I can not believe so much time has passed already. I returned to work yesterday, the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time. I miss my little man so much it is ridiculous!!
Hubby started his job today working for a billboard company =D I am SO excited!! If all goes well and the money is decent I may very well be able to quit working!!! I am keeping everything crossed that I have!!!
Nolan noticed the toys on his bouncey for the first time yesterday!! He was smiling, cooing, and swatting at them!! Everyday he does something new and I am in absolute awe of him!!
My awesomely amazing, loving husband has decided that he wants to have another one o_O Um, yeah I don't think so. Not anytime soon, and quit possibly not EVER!! I love Nolan with all my heart and he is my absolute everything... but I am nowhere near ready for another baby and I doubt I will ever be ready to TTC again... Especially if we have to go along with the Clomid... I just don't know if I can handle it on an emotional level..
No pics today since I am at work, but I will see what I can do when I get home this evening =P

Monday, February 28, 2011

Birth Story, better late than never!!!

Okay so I am a little late but here it is....
I had an OB appt on the 7th my BP was up and I had gained 7pds in fluid retention... I was sent back to the hospital again for my 2nd observation.... After some hours there it was determined that we could not get my BP under control and were going to need to induce... At 4P.M. on the 7th we started Cervidil which immediately got my contractions coming at 2/3 mins apart. I spent a very sleepless night in the hospital unable to get any sleep due to my BP being checked hourly and the contractions that were steady and continuous. At about 6A.M. I had only progressed to a 1or2cm, at about 7:30A.M. they started pitocin, upping it continuously every hour. By 8P.M. I had only progressed to a 4; my BP was still rising and his heart rate kept fluctuating so we (my husband and I) consented to a C-Section =( Nolan Fredrick was born Feb 8th at 8:34P.M. weighing in at 6lbs 12oz and the most gorgeous baby I had ever seen <3
Here is our little man!!

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Ugh... Keep forgetting to update!!!

Life has been crazy and updating this blog has fallen into the background... I was hoping to have it to refer back to when I started Nolan's baby book, but alas pregnancy has wiped my brain cells!!!
Our biggest adventure lately has been remodeling Nolan's room... A little late in the game I know, but hubby decided at the last minute it had to be done... Even though we had agreed not to worry about it right away, Men!!!
So... Without further ado, our work in progress!!
Before and In Progress!!!All Painted!!!
Still have to put the carpet down, install the shelves, and get the closet put back together!! All in all I am happy with the progress =D