Tuesday, March 30, 2010

It is TIME!!

Woohoo for a smiley face! Today is CD18 and I got the smiley face at like 7 p.m. so I don't know if today is O day or if tmrw is, but it came at perfect timing. DH goes out of town tomorrow so we can 'do the deed' in the a.m. before he leaves and be all set :) I am really hopeful for this month!! I am ready to be prego already so I can start buying baby stuff LOL DH is ready to start on the 'baby to-be's' room but I am still trying to be fairly cautious about the whole situation...

Thursday, March 18, 2010

**3rd Times The Charm**

<<-- This quote is my ultimate favorite since I started TTC! It is thoughtful it is emotional and most importantly it is totally and utterly the truth!! This is Round 3 on 150mg.. maybe that means this will be our lucky cycle.
I hope that is true, it is our last chance at a 2010 baby.... I had a rough day today.. Woke up with a migraine (gotta love that Clomid) that just wouldn't go away. I didn't want to be at work anyway, so that just added to it.

DH is out of town again, I really hate it when he's not here. I never seem to sleep very well. I feel so lonely when he's gone. It has made me come to the realization that outside of my husband I have no social life anymore :) It's not anyone's fault really, it just kind of happened. After our wedding my friends kind of stopped having anything to do with me. Whether this was intentional or not I have not the slightest clue. I only know that most of them disagreed with my marrying DH. Why is it that the people closest to me could not see what an amazing gift I had found?

It all came down to his age... 7 years difference between me and DH... yes i know this is substantial, but it does not change how we feel for one another... yes he is the reason TTC began so soon, but no he did not pressure me. He actually gave me all the time in the world. We have been together for 6 years and from the beginning I knew he wanted children. I at that time, could care less either way (How things change lol) He would've waited longer if I had said I needed more time, but I felt it was time.. He has given so much to me (and for me) over the years that I could not see keeping him from being the absolutely amazing father I know he will be!!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Gearing Up For a New Cycle!

Feeling a little better today about TTC... I am still overly sick of the situation, but I discovered something the other day that made me feel a little better. Apparently you can buy injectibles for alot cheaper by ordering them from Europe!! So at least I know if the Clomid doesn't work for us, than maybe we do have further options we can look into.
The ones from Europe are much more realistic for our financial position, than buying them from the U.S. There would be absolutely no way we could dump 3 to 5 grand into one cycle. That is just not for us in any way shape or form!!
I have decided not to temp until after I finish the Clomid, I am thinking a little mini break from temping might make me feel a little less stressed *shrugs* I don't know if its working, but I am happy not having to hear that damn (excuse the language) beep every morning!! Unfortunately it seems that William is going to be out of time when its O time for us again :( He is only working 2-3 hours away so he plans on driving back and forth. I just feel so bad that he is going to have to do that. He is SO dedicated to TTC that as soon as I mentioned that he was going to be gone during O week he said "I'll just drive back and forth" There was no more talk, he made up his mind :)
I find it absolutely amazing that he wants this as much as I do, actually probably more. It also saddens me to know that if he had picked any other woman he would be a father already. Not only did I make him wait years before trying, but now we are struggling :( He gets upset every time I mention that and tells me that he would rather have me than children if it came down to that. And for him, that means more than words could ever describe. He sure does know how to make a girl feel good about herself :)

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Why Can't I...

Just stop looking at baby stuff already!! I swear, I am obsessive and I don't know how to stop!! It hurts every time I look, so why do I keep doing it? Am I just looking to torture myself? At first I just felt like I was educating myself with looking at the CD's and all, but now its just ridiculous. I don't have a baby, I am not pregnant, so why can't I stop looking at all this freaking baby stuff!!

Okay, I think I am done with my rant now. Today is CD 2 and I don't know if I am ready for this cycle. I just feel 'done' with TTC. I don't want a baby any less than I did 15 months ago, but I want my sanity back. I feel like such a failure, everyday is a constant reminder that I suck. That my body sucks, and this whole situation sucks. I was really hoping to get pregnant and have a baby before 2010 was up. That way I could go back to school and everything would work out smoothly. This cycle will be our last chance to make that happen. I suppose maybe that's why I am so stressed.

This will be cycle #5 on Clomid. Will it ever work? Or am I destined to keep trying and trying, dumping more and more money into TTC and get nothing in return? So many questions, and absolutely no answers......

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Feeling Sorry For Myself

Didn't O until CD18, but better than CD21 LOL Not feeling very optimistic about this cycle for some reason.. Although I don't have any particular reason not too, I just don't... What can I say? I am a pessimist LOL I think some of it may have to do with my Progesterone testing tomorrow. I am so worried that my levels aren't going to be high enough.

I guess four Clomid cycles in and I am getting a little exhausted.. It has been very stressful over the past year, and now all the meds are just adding to it... Sometimes I wonder if its all even worth it... I mean I want to have a baby, but what if no baby comes of all the effort I have been putting in. What than? Do I write it off as a failure and move on? Would I be able to move on?

I suppose I am getting ahead of myself. My OB agreed to 5 total cycles on 150mg (although I really don't want to be on it that long) so almost 2 cycles down and 3 to go... It doesn't help that DH is out of town, he is really good at getting me out of these funks that I get into... I suppose I will have to tough it out until tmrw night when he comes home =)