Thursday, November 10, 2011

While putting Nolan to sleep tonight

I became a complete emotional basket-case. He was being kind of fussy and wasn't wanting to nurse. So I put him on his tummy and was patting his back like usual, no go! I picked him up started rocking him, and humming to myself. He instantly quieted down. So I started to sing, and since I don't know any lullabys I was making up my own. I'll spare you the details of the lullaby since it had no rhythym and I couldn't even manage to make it rhyme most of the time, but he seemed to enjoy it.
All that kept running through my head is, that this time is so short. How much longer til he doesn't need me anymore?? Everyday he grows more and more independent, everyday I become less and less neccesary to him. I don't want this time to end. I don't want him to grow up, but I know that is unreasonable.
The love I have for him is unexplainable. I've never felt this for anyone; not my mom, not my dad, not my brother, and not even my husband. This connection, this love for my son is vast-it is almost painful. A part of me wonders if I could love another child this much, but I know I could. I know that I have more love to give. This feeling that I get when I watch him sleep, his little lips moving while he is dream nursing, is the most amazing feeling in the entire world. I never thought anything could compare to the feeling of his kicks in the womb, but this definitely trumps it.
I want more babies. I know it and that scares me. The whole idea of going through fertility meds again, meds that might not even work (since they barely worked last time). Funding anything more than Clomid is almsot impossible for us. Plus, if I have another baby I want to stay home. Working is the most painful thing in the entire world, leaving my baby everyday in the care of someone else. That's an unrealistic pipe dream since today's economy is not built for someone to be able to live on a one person income.
All these things ran through my mind as I sang my baby to sleep, wondering just how many more times I would get the opportunity to do this. Not enough, I can tell you that much.
Sorry this was such a heavy post I had to put this someone. I had to get it out. So, to end on a good note, heres a new pic of my little man <3

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