Gearing Up For a New Cycle!

Feeling a little better today about TTC... I am still overly sick of the situation, but I discovered something the other day that made me feel a little better. Apparently you can buy injectibles for alot cheaper by ordering them from Europe!! So at least I know if the Clomid doesn't work for us, than maybe we do have further options we can look into.
The ones from Europe are much more realistic for our financial position, than buying them from the U.S. There would be absolutely no way we could dump 3 to 5 grand into one cycle. That is just not for us in any way shape or form!!
I have decided not to temp until after I finish the Clomid, I am thinking a little mini break from temping might make me feel a little less stressed *shrugs* I don't know if its working, but I am happy not having to hear that damn (excuse the language) beep every morning!! Unfortunately it seems that William is going to be out of time when its O time for us again :( He is only working 2-3 hours away so he plans on driving back and forth. I just feel so bad that he is going to have to do that. He is SO dedicated to TTC that as soon as I mentioned that he was going to be gone during O week he said "I'll just drive back and forth" There was no more talk, he made up his mind :)
I find it absolutely amazing that he wants this as much as I do, actually probably more. It also saddens me to know that if he had picked any other woman he would be a father already. Not only did I make him wait years before trying, but now we are struggling :( He gets upset every time I mention that and tells me that he would rather have me than children if it came down to that. And for him, that means more than words could ever describe. He sure does know how to make a girl feel good about herself :)

Why Can't I...

Just stop looking at baby stuff already!! I swear, I am obsessive and I don't know how to stop!! It hurts every time I look, so why do I keep doing it? Am I just looking to torture myself? At first I just felt like I was educating myself with looking at the CD's and all, but now its just ridiculous. I don't have a baby, I am not pregnant, so why can't I stop looking at all this freaking baby stuff!!

Okay, I think I am done with my rant now. Today is CD 2 and I don't know if I am ready for this cycle. I just feel 'done' with TTC. I don't want a baby any less than I did 15 months ago, but I want my sanity back. I feel like such a failure, everyday is a constant reminder that I suck. That my body sucks, and this whole situation sucks. I was really hoping to get pregnant and have a baby before 2010 was up. That way I could go back to school and everything would work out smoothly. This cycle will be our last chance to make that happen. I suppose maybe that's why I am so stressed.

This will be cycle #5 on Clomid. Will it ever work? Or am I destined to keep trying and trying, dumping more and more money into TTC and get nothing in return? So many questions, and absolutely no answers......

Feeling Sorry For Myself

Didn't O until CD18, but better than CD21 LOL Not feeling very optimistic about this cycle for some reason.. Although I don't have any particular reason not too, I just don't... What can I say? I am a pessimist LOL I think some of it may have to do with my Progesterone testing tomorrow. I am so worried that my levels aren't going to be high enough.

I guess four Clomid cycles in and I am getting a little exhausted.. It has been very stressful over the past year, and now all the meds are just adding to it... Sometimes I wonder if its all even worth it... I mean I want to have a baby, but what if no baby comes of all the effort I have been putting in. What than? Do I write it off as a failure and move on? Would I be able to move on?

I suppose I am getting ahead of myself. My OB agreed to 5 total cycles on 150mg (although I really don't want to be on it that long) so almost 2 cycles down and 3 to go... It doesn't help that DH is out of town, he is really good at getting me out of these funks that I get into... I suppose I will have to tough it out until tmrw night when he comes home =)

150mg **Round 2**

Currently CD16 and it looks like I may have O'd yesterday.. Although I suppose that would be a good thing so I am not complaining lol =) My OB put me on Metformin a couple weeks ago at my last appointment and I wonder if that had a hand in me O'ing earlier? I suppose only time will tell!! The Metformin is ridiculous!! It has had my tummy so upset for the past couple weeks it's not even funny!! I almost want to stop taking it, but if I did O yesterday and the Met was the cause than I don't want to mess with a good thing KWIM :-) Other than that nothing overly interesting is going on.. Still have to work some kinks out when it comes to the house situation, and our remodeling discussions are becoming more and more frequent... DH wants to start on the 'baby to be's room' but I kind of want to wait... I am optimistic that we are going to get pregnant, but IF we don't than there are other places in the house I would like to start remodeling first. Oh well, we will see =)

CH's never looked so beautiful!!

It seems I ovulated!!! Late that is, on CD21, but ovulated none the less! It's amazing how exciting this can be, considering we haven't achieved pregnancy yet I feel so much closer to our goal. William was confused when I woke up this morning and told him I had O'd over the weekend. We had talked and kind of both decided we had no faith in the 150mg and as I posted the other day our TTC journey would have been over.

Now that the 150mg worked, he wants to continue to TTC. Which is okay, but we've also got to deal with buying this place and remodeling it. I am just afraid of over whelming us. William is pretty adamant(in his way) about continuing to TTC. I am leaning towards yes at the moment only because we've come this far and I have put my body through too much crap to give up now!!

Our journey has come to an end...

It seems that the 150mg did not work.. Which means our TTC journey is coming to an end for some time.. We can't afford to go through the testing and treatment that a specialist would require =( It is unfortunate, but financially we just aren't able to swing it at this point in our life...

Although on the bright side, our land lords have finally decided to sell us this place. So that is exciting. We decided fixing up the house was more pertinent than funding our TTC journey at this point in our life. I will continue to save, but the saving will be split to fund our remodeling as well. Maybe over the next couple of years we maybe able to return to TTC'ing but for now, it's just not very realistic.

I am also putting a big step forward trying to loose weight, in the hope that the weight loss will stimulate some sort of response related to regulating my cycles. One can only hope, but loosing weight will be a slow process so once again only time will tell =(

So I Start...

150mg tomorrow.... Really hoping it works, because if not this is the end of our TTC journey for a while =( It's really frustrating to decide to have a baby and than your body will not cooperate with you... We can't afford to continue any further at the moment... Hopefully when our income tax comes in that will at least give us enough money to have some tests down to get a more definitive 'game plan' so to speak. If only the stupid insurance company would agree to cover just a little bit of the costs it would be so helpful, but unfortunately being infertile isn't important enough to be covered under HMO Insurance =(