Life As A Mommy

While putting Nolan to sleep tonight

2011-11-10T17:41:00.000-08:00

I became a complete emotional basket-case. He was being kind of fussy and wasn't wanting to nurse. So I put him on his tummy and was patting his back like usual, no go! I picked him up started rocking him, and humming to myself. He instantly quieted down. So I started to sing, and since I don't know any lullabys I was making up my own. I'll spare you the details of the lullaby since it had no rhythym and I couldn't even manage to make it rhyme most of the time, but he seemed to enjoy it.

All that kept running through my head is, that this time is so short. How much longer til he doesn't need me anymore?? Everyday he grows more and more independent, everyday I become less and less neccesary to him. I don't want this time to end. I don't want him to grow up, but I know that is unreasonable.

The love I have for him is unexplainable. I've never felt this for anyone; not my mom, not my dad, not my brother, and not even my husband. This connection, this love for my son is vast-it is almost painful. A part of me wonders if I could love another child this much, but I know I could. I know that I have more love to give. This feeling that I get when I watch him sleep, his little lips moving while he is dream nursing, is the most amazing feeling in the entire world. I never thought anything could compare to the feeling of his kicks in the womb, but this definitely trumps it.

I want more babies. I know it and that scares me. The whole idea of going through fertility meds again, meds that might not even work (since they barely worked last time). Funding anything more than Clomid is almsot impossible for us. Plus, if I have another baby I want to stay home. Working is the most painful thing in the entire world, leaving my baby everyday in the care of someone else. That's an unrealistic pipe dream since today's economy is not built for someone to be able to live on a one person income.

All these things ran through my mind as I sang my baby to sleep, wondering just how many more times I would get the opportunity to do this. Not enough, I can tell you that much.

Sorry this was such a heavy post I had to put this someone. I had to get it out. So, to end on a good note, heres a new pic of my little man <3

I still can't believe

2011-10-08T07:15:00.001-07:00

I have been a Mommy for 8months as of today! I never thought I would be here. From the time I was 14 and was told by my O.B. at the time that the solution to my not having periods was to go on birth control, which made little to no sense to me. This prompted me to do my own research and what I discovered was that I have classic (severe) case of PCOS. I knew what that meant, fertility drugs were the only way I was going to be able to have a child. We are not a rich couple, we live paycheck to paycheck and fertility meds were nowhere in our near future. I resigned myself to believing that we would probably never have children, I never wanted to start my family late in life which is when we would probably have the money to do fertility meds.

I went through 4 O.B.'s trying to find one that was willing to actually listen to me. When I discovered my current O.B. he was so receptive of what I had to say! After running some blood and discussing my symptoms with me he came to the same conclusion. I was never "officially" diagnosed with PCOS, because he didn't want to damage the chances of being able to bill the Insurance company for some of the testing he was doing =P What was even more exciting is he was open to trying Clomid with me!! Since he was not a specialist in fertility his hands were tied in many ways, but he agreed to do some cycles on it with me.

Cycle after cycle was a failure, the first 2 didn't even get me to Ovulate at all. By the time that we reached our last cycle I had given up hope. I was never going to be able to give DH a child and I was going to have to come to terms with that. We started discussing adoption through the Foster Care system, which is something I have always wanted to do. As our last cycle ended and my temperature on my chart dropped, I gave up and started planning my "Christina's Infertile, Let's Get Drunk Weekend". Next thing I know, my temperature jumped back up, I tested and low and behold there was 2 lines! Yes 2! I always imagined that if we got a positive I would come up with some cute way to tell DH and even had it all planned in my head. When it happened though, all I could do was go "Um, is that a line?? I think I'm seeing things??" Not exactly sweet or memorable, but I really though I was loosing my mind!! DH saw the line, but was unconvinced. I stopped on my way to work and picked up some First Response. I took one almost immediately after going in and it was positive too! I couldn't believe it! Now, 17 months later I have this gorgeous little boy who I just can't get enough of. He amazes me everyday and I do not want to miss a thing! I love him so much, never imagined that this level of love existed.

Happy 8 Months Nolan Fredrick!

Hectic couple of months

2011-04-26T09:29:00.000-07:00

I guess its a good thing this blog is purely for my own amusement since I can never seem to keep it updated on a regular basis =P
Nolan is 11weeks old today <3 I can not believe so much time has passed already. I returned to work yesterday, the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time. I miss my little man so much it is ridiculous!!
Hubby started his job today working for a billboard company =D I am SO excited!! If all goes well and the money is decent I may very well be able to quit working!!! I am keeping everything crossed that I have!!!
Nolan noticed the toys on his bouncey for the first time yesterday!! He was smiling, cooing, and swatting at them!! Everyday he does something new and I am in absolute awe of him!!
My awesomely amazing, loving husband has decided that he wants to have another one o_O Um, yeah I don't think so. Not anytime soon, and quit possibly not EVER!! I love Nolan with all my heart and he is my absolute everything... but I am nowhere near ready for another baby and I doubt I will ever be ready to TTC again... Especially if we have to go along with the Clomid... I just don't know if I can handle it on an emotional level..
No pics today since I am at work, but I will see what I can do when I get home this evening =P

Birth Story, better late than never!!!

2011-02-28T08:45:00.000-08:00

Okay so I am a little late but here it is....
I had an OB appt on the 7th my BP was up and I had gained 7pds in fluid retention... I was sent back to the hospital again for my 2nd observation.... After some hours there it was determined that we could not get my BP under control and were going to need to induce... At 4P.M. on the 7th we started Cervidil which immediately got my contractions coming at 2/3 mins apart. I spent a very sleepless night in the hospital unable to get any sleep due to my BP being checked hourly and the contractions that were steady and continuous. At about 6A.M. I had only progressed to a 1or2cm, at about 7:30A.M. they started pitocin, upping it continuously every hour. By 8P.M. I had only progressed to a 4; my BP was still rising and his heart rate kept fluctuating so we (my husband and I) consented to a C-Section =( Nolan Fredrick was born Feb 8th at 8:34P.M. weighing in at 6lbs 12oz and the most gorgeous baby I had ever seen <3
Here is our little man!!

Ugh... Keep forgetting to update!!!

2011-01-30T14:36:00.000-08:00

Life has been crazy and updating this blog has fallen into the background... I was hoping to have it to refer back to when I started Nolan's baby book, but alas pregnancy has wiped my brain cells!!!
Our biggest adventure lately has been remodeling Nolan's room... A little late in the game I know, but hubby decided at the last minute it had to be done... Even though we had agreed not to worry about it right away, Men!!!
So... Without further ado, our work in progress!!
Before and In Progress!!!All Painted!!!
Still have to put the carpet down, install the shelves, and get the closet put back together!! All in all I am happy with the progress =D

Some days I still can't believe it

2010-10-24T08:05:00.001-07:00

It's amazing I am over halfway through this pregnancy and I still have days where I look at my belly and go "Is this for real??" In approximately 4 1/2 months I am going to be a mom!! I spent so many years thinking this was never going to happen, that there was a good chance I would never have a child that its just hard to get past those thoughts.

My OB has labeled me Chronic Hypertensive (which just means an early onset of high blood pressure) The blood pressure pills seem to be doing there thing, my blood pressure has not been up like it was since I started them... Although still slighted elevated a heck of alot better!!! He was pretty 'frank' in expressing to me that there is a good chance I will have an early onset of Pre-Eclampsia. So I am on a low salt diet, walking (as much as I can), making sure to drink plenty of water, and watch my weight gain. He said in doing these things I can hopefully hold it off for a little while or at the very least if it does happen I will be the healthier for it!!!

I will have to be getting blood work done to make sure the blood pressure pills are not causing my platelets to drop. If they are I will have to go off of the blood pressure pills, because a drop in platelets could cause me to bleed out while in labor... I don't know what we do about the blood pressure if it comes to that, its not like I can just walk around with elevated blood pressure cause that can cause its own set of problems.

I have another U/S on the 1st which I am looking forward too =D Happy to get to see my little guy again, I love being able to not only feel his movements but watch them as well!! He is a little acrobat that is for sure, moving everywhere and kicking/punching me all over the place!!! The movements William can feel are still very few since my placenta is anterior my OB told me to expect that.... Hopefully soon we can both regularly enjoy the movements of our little miracle; Nolan Fredrick =)

It's a BOY!!

2010-10-10T08:47:00.001-07:00

So we found out on the 4th that we are having a lil boy!! DH is beyond excited I can't even begin to describe =P We almost didn't think he was going to be able to tell us, because apparently I am not U/S friendly LOL but luckily he moved just right so we could see his dinkie!!! I was right about his positioning too his head is right at my belly button and his feet are in my crotch!! I tell you I have experienced much more pleasant things than kicks to my crotch *eyeroll*

No good U/S pics to share they hardly showed anything interesting at all, so I have to go back on Nov 1st for another U/S so my OB can finish getting his measurements! My blood pressure was up AGAIN at this last appointment so he put me on blood pressure pills to see if that gets it under control... I am hoping so... I am way too early into this pregnancy to be labeled as high risk already...

Lost 2 more pounds this last appointment, so I am hoping by the next one I will at least put on a few pounds FX!!! Anywho... No more updates for now =)

Movement!!!

2010-10-02T13:42:00.000-07:00

I am so aggravated with myself that I haven't had time to update this, but better late than never ;) I have officially started to feel this LO move!!!! It started on Thursday at 19weeks 1day!!!! I still can't believe it! Now that he/she has started moving he/she seems to never stop LOL I am now just waiting until they are strong enough for DH to feel them, but at the rate this is going that should not tbe too much longer... Or at least I hope!!

So the big day is Monday!! We get to find out whether we are joining Team Pink or Team Blue! I am still voting Pink LOL I am really really hoping that this LO chooses to cooperate so that we can see the goods =P Either way though it will be nice to get to see him/her... Man am I tired of having to say him/her LOL It gets really old!! Well nothing else interesting going on right now, better get back to laundry!

Keep Forgetting to Update!!

2010-08-28T12:01:00.001-07:00

U/S #2!! I was measuring 12weeks 5days so my DD changed to Feb 23, 2011 =D Everything looks good with the baby!! DH actually went to this one with me, at first the LO was flipping all around and he was having a hard time figuring out what was what LOL I did find out that my uterus is titled back, so I am doing these silly exercises to try and make it flip back forward again.... FX it works!!!

My OB also mentioned that I 'might' have a hard time deliverying vaginally. Something in my pelvic region is larger than it should be and causes the space in my pelvis to be smaller than normal... So I guess depending on how big baby is depends on whether that would be a problem or not... I am hoping not, because I really want to deliver vabinally... I am not all for getting a C-Section.. but I suppose if thats the route I have to go to have my LO in my arms I will do it happily =) I do intend to try vaginally for as long as I can stand it and as long as the LO is not in any distress!!

Other than that... Nothing new going on on my end... My next appointment is the 13th, nothing interesting at that one just getting the results from my BW =) After that though it is gender determination time!! I am so excited!! First week of October and me and DH will know whether we are on team pink or blue =D Can't Wait!!!

Can't wait!!!

2010-08-15T08:47:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is U/S #2!!! I am so excited!! This time around the baby should look more like a baby and less like a blob LOL I am starting to feel really bloated and blah here lately for some reason... I am really hoping that I haven't gained too much weight yet... That's one bad thing about having absolutely no M/S is that I have no reason not to give into these silly cravings I have been having!!

Either way I am excited to see our LO again and hopefully to get to 'hear' the heartbeat as well =D Well the job situation didn't work, its a long story so I will spare the details.... Let's just say people should really fully explain things... Anywho... DH's truck is still running, so thats a good thing LOL It'sbeen having some issues, but hopefully its nothing too serious!! I unfortunately have WIC appointment on Tuesday... I was trying to avoid getting on WIC, but with DH still not being able to find a job and his unemployment getting cut off we don't have much of a choice... We applied for FS and they gave us a whopping $16!! I swear that is someones idea of a practical joke....

Anywho... done with my complaining for now.. I should probably do something productive like clean the house HAHA my lazy butt... probably not hehehe =)

Good News, Bad News.....

2010-08-08T16:53:00.000-07:00

<<<-- Pic is from yesterday at 10weeks 4days!! Still not seeing much of a difference, but I am definitely more 'tubby' than I was a month ago =P

So, shortly after we found out we were pregnant things began going unbelieveably down hill... DH's truck broke down, his unemployment was cut off, and than the motor in my truck blew!! It was a horrible couple of weeks and after my truck sitting in the shop for a month, the warranty company has concluded they are not going to replace my motor leaving me to foot the bill entirely... Like thats going to happen, so needless to say my truck will be at the Ford dealership for quite some time... We just got DH's truck up and running this past weekend so I am pretty excited about that =D

Well tonight William got a phone call about a job!!! He starts tomorrow, it is out of town unfortunately but after searching for a year and a half we can't really be too picky!!! I will adjust to him being out of town, I have done it before I can do it again!!
It kind of stinks though, because our next U/S is a week from tomorrow and DH was really looking forward to being there for this one =( The baby should look well... more like a baby LMAO!!

Our Little Blob's First Mugshot!!

2010-07-10T05:26:00.000-07:00

My first appointment went great!! My OB did an u/s so I saw got to see a little blob!! It doesn't look like much in the photo, but while he was in there we could see a heartbeating!! I was so excited, since I have always been told the chance of miscarriage drops after seeing a heartbeat... I know theres still a chance, but it just makes me feel a little bit better...

I am not as far along as I thought, which makes sense because my cycles are longer than most peoples... So the day of the ultrasound I was 6weeks 2days and my HCG at 6weeks 1day was over 34000!!! He changed my due date til March 1st, which is okay because I will still more than likely have a February baby =) My next appointment is August 2nd and I will be 10weeks so I am hoping he uses the doppler so I can HEAR the little one's heartbeat!!

Beta Results

2010-06-22T19:25:00.000-07:00

At 13DPO my beta was 59 which is supposedly good for that early =) So I am pretty happy about that!! My first appointment is July 7th and I am so very nervous about the whole thing... I am so afraid of walking in there, getting my sonogram, and there being nothing there... It scares me more than I care to describe... It is unrealistic for me to feel this way, especially since I have never had a loss before and I am not experiencing any miscarriage symptoms... I think I am just crazy LOL
I am still worried about the simple fact that I am experiencing very few pregnancy symptoms... My biggest one is a stabbing sensation (almost like O pains) in my pelvic area; also alot of heavyness feeling (if that makes sense)... Other than that just major heartburn and very very slight breast tenderness... I am still early though, only 4Weeks 4Days tomorrow! The next 2 weeks until my appointment are going to be torture, but I will just have to push through it and try not to stress about it (yeah right!!)

Everything Changes

2010-06-19T07:27:00.000-07:00

For the best!!! We are pregnant and I am still in complete disbelief!! I had already wrote us off and started adjusting to the idea that we would not have a baby for quite some time. I am overly excited, but also scared and worried that I will loose it...

I went for a blood test yesterday to confirm, but I won't get the results back until Monday or possibly Tuesday... Which sucks, but its all a waiting game! I won't be able to get in for my first prenatal for a few weeks so I am just going to have to tough it out lol

William immediately started telling everyone and now I don't think there is a single person that doesn't know that we are pregnant!!

'Last' Month of TTC

2010-05-25T19:25:00.000-07:00

I can't say that I am not just a little bit relieved that we are almost done with the Meds! Although, I am not giving up hope of having a child just yet I do know that it will probably be quite some time before we seek further medical assistance. Who knows, maybe we will get a miracle between now and than =)
Somehow I ended up with 5 extra Clomid pills, so after ringing my doctor he said if I wanted to go to 200mg for this month than basically to 'go for it' LOL He cracks me up! So that is what I am doing! I am doubtful it will make any difference, but its worth a shot!!
Hubby had an interview last Monday, but he didn't get the job =( He has another one tomorrow! I am so excited!! Usually he can't even get in for an interview, but now he's had 2 in a week and a half!! So I am keeping my FX that this one works out for us!! We have both been so very stressed financially and emotionally... TTC has drained us beyond we were prepared and with him not working it has been just that much worse!

Mothers Day/Grandpa In Hospital

2010-05-09T18:24:00.000-07:00

Was alot harder than I thought it would be... Although I did enjoy spending the morning with my mom... I dyed her hair, we went shopping, etc.. It was nice and got my mind off of everything for the most part... At least for a little while anyway =(
I am so overly depressed, I think it makes it even worse that our 3 year wedding anniversary is coming up at the end of this month... I so want to give DH a child and the thought it may not happen for us is over bearing.. On top of everything else we only have one more cycle after this one.. At that point our ability to have extra help stops and our chances to conceive without medical intervention is next to zero...
I so wish I could be like DH and be so positive all the time, but I see the world for what it is and not what I want it to be as he does...

After my beyond crappy day, I get a call a little while ago that my Grandpa fell off a ladder and hit his head... He has bleeding in his brain and some swelling as well. The doctors say they will not know the full extent of damage for a couple of days.. So until than we are all on pins and needles...

Smiley Face!!

2010-05-04T04:42:00.001-07:00

So later on in the evening after my post complaining no + OPK I get a + OPK LMAO!! Still feeling un-optimistic about us getting pregnant on the Clomid, but were still going for it =) Me and DH have been talking about fostering/adoption over the past couple of weeks!! Fostering is something I have always wanted to do, but he is still iffy on it. He is worried of getting attached to a Foster child and than them leaving, which is understandable but I would love to be there for a child during a very tough period in there life. He is becoming more open to adoption (which he was so against it in the beginning)

I tried to get him to agree to adoption long before we began TTC, but he really had the desire to have a child of his own. I always knew it would be a struggle (if possible at all) to have a child and honestly never wanted the stress of TTC. I am almost relieved that we are about done with the Clomid. At least at that point we can begin focusing on other things in our life.

Since going to an RE and going through injectibles is just not financially realistic for us, we have both accepted that there is a very good chance that this could be the end of TTC for a long time. Although even after the Clomid is over and done with, I may still temp and watch my signs just in case I happen to get a fluke O of my own =) Anywho, Keep your FX for me!!

Overly Aggrevated...

2010-05-02T15:57:00.000-07:00

It is CD19 and I still have yet to get a + OPK... Ugh... I usually would have gotten one by now!! I don't know if being sick is pushing it back some or if it's not going to happen at all I am at a total loss... Temping is pointless because I am feverish and my temps in the a.m. are crazy high... Me and DH started BD'ing on Friday though and will continue to do so everyday until I am 100% positive I already ovulated, I really don't want to miss it... Especially with this being the month before our last month of TTC...

Upside is I am starting to feel better, although I am still really stuffy and sneezing and coughing like crazy better none-the-less LOL Anywho, I suppose I just have to be patient and see what the next couple days bring =) Patience was never exactly my strong suit!

Just a little vent,,,,,

2010-04-29T16:18:00.000-07:00

Cycle #6 here we are... I have pretty much lost all hope in the Clomid altogether... I am expecting nothing out of this cycle or the next... I am going to call to find out how much an HSG will cost so that maybe I can at least get that done and out of the way... What other reason could there be for not getting pregnant yet, unless my tube's are blocked? It is currently CD 16 and BD'ing is supposed to begin this weekend, but I am sick as a dog and can barely function so I don't know how thats going to work... Can nothing ever work out smoothly? No wonder my favorite saying was always "Life sucks, and than you die" LOL

DH's cousin and girlfriend have also been TTC for a while, although after like 3 years they still refuse to get any additional help or admit that one of them might have a problem... Completely baffles me, anyway... His cousin was telling us that his girlfriend might be pregnant, and than went on about how they didn't need any help and how they did it all on there own... All of this right in front of me, when for 1 he knows how long we've been trying and for 2 knows that I am on meds to help us get pregnant!! I was so infuriated I almost threw him out of my house, but I kept my cool and just went and laid down =( I swear his family is so insensitive and that is exactly why I keep telling DH I don't want most of them to know...

Well I suppose up side is if the Clomid doesn't work, than we are taking a break from all the TTC mess and will have more time to focus on our relationship and re-modeling out house which I am overly excited about!!

Halfway There

2010-04-08T19:01:00.000-07:00

Well today is 7DPO... My chart looks decent so far, but it always does at this point. The past 2 months my temp has dropped on exactly 10DPO so if I see a drop then I can be fairly certain that I am not pg (or at least so I think lol) This week hasn't been too bad I suppose, although the second half of the 2WW always seems longer to me =) Double bummer being if I do start AF I am due the day of our Relay For Life which I go to straight after work at 6:15 and stay all night til 5 or 6 a.m. the following morning!!

Me and DH have had a couple discussions over the past week or so about our lack of time spent together, so this Sunday I am surprising William by taking us to Busch Gardens. He doesn't even know I bought the passes yet =) He has always really wanted to go see the animal exhibits there and I love roller coasters so I really thought it would be something we could both enjoy 2gether!! Our relationship really needs this, we have been so stressed not only with TTC but just a mess of family crap altogether!
Plus, something deep down inside of me is worried that if we can not have a child that our relationship may not survive. Not that we would ever split because we couldn't have a child, its just that most couples spend the majority of there relationships raising children. Without that we would have a considerable gap to fill, I am therefore bound and determined to find activities that we can do together as a couple =)

Crosshairs

2010-04-04T12:40:00.000-07:00

Woohoo!! After a very stressful week I got my ch's this morning!! Our BD'ing this past week was really complicated and stressful, so I am hoping that all that hassle pays off! I got the + OPK on Tuesday and DH was going out of town on Wednesday morning so I thought it was perfect timing... Well Thursday comes and still no temp rise, so I had to make a 2 hour drive after I got off work at 5: 30 to go BD with DH and drive back.. I didn't get home 'til about 12:30 a.m. I was overly exhausted!! Upside being if we conceive this cycle we would have conceived on April Fools Day and the Due Date would be December 23 with is 4 days before DH's birthday!!! I am doing my very best to stay as optimistic as possible this cycle!! I want this to happen so badly and we are 3 cycles down and only 2 more to go.

It is TIME!!

2010-03-30T16:19:00.001-07:00

Woohoo for a smiley face! Today is CD18 and I got the smiley face at like 7 p.m. so I don't know if today is O day or if tmrw is, but it came at perfect timing. DH goes out of town tomorrow so we can 'do the deed' in the a.m. before he leaves and be all set :) I am really hopeful for this month!! I am ready to be prego already so I can start buying baby stuff LOL DH is ready to start on the 'baby to-be's' room but I am still trying to be fairly cautious about the whole situation...

3rd Times The Charm

2010-03-18T17:51:00.001-07:00

<<-- This quote is my ultimate favorite since I started TTC! It is thoughtful it is emotional and most importantly it is totally and utterly the truth!! This is Round 3 on 150mg.. maybe that means this will be our lucky cycle.
I hope that is true, it is our last chance at a 2010 baby.... I had a rough day today.. Woke up with a migraine (gotta love that Clomid) that just wouldn't go away. I didn't want to be at work anyway, so that just added to it.

DH is out of town again, I really hate it when he's not here. I never seem to sleep very well. I feel so lonely when he's gone. It has made me come to the realization that outside of my husband I have no social life anymore :) It's not anyone's fault really, it just kind of happened. After our wedding my friends kind of stopped having anything to do with me. Whether this was intentional or not I have not the slightest clue. I only know that most of them disagreed with my marrying DH. Why is it that the people closest to me could not see what an amazing gift I had found?

It all came down to his age... 7 years difference between me and DH... yes i know this is substantial, but it does not change how we feel for one another... yes he is the reason TTC began so soon, but no he did not pressure me. He actually gave me all the time in the world. We have been together for 6 years and from the beginning I knew he wanted children. I at that time, could care less either way (How things change lol) He would've waited longer if I had said I needed more time, but I felt it was time.. He has given so much to me (and for me) over the years that I could not see keeping him from being the absolutely amazing father I know he will be!!

Gearing Up For a New Cycle!

2010-03-16T09:19:00.000-07:00

Feeling a little better today about TTC... I am still overly sick of the situation, but I discovered something the other day that made me feel a little better. Apparently you can buy injectibles for alot cheaper by ordering them from Europe!! So at least I know if the Clomid doesn't work for us, than maybe we do have further options we can look into.
The ones from Europe are much more realistic for our financial position, than buying them from the U.S. There would be absolutely no way we could dump 3 to 5 grand into one cycle. That is just not for us in any way shape or form!!
I have decided not to temp until after I finish the Clomid, I am thinking a little mini break from temping might make me feel a little less stressed *shrugs* I don't know if its working, but I am happy not having to hear that damn (excuse the language) beep every morning!! Unfortunately it seems that William is going to be out of time when its O time for us again :( He is only working 2-3 hours away so he plans on driving back and forth. I just feel so bad that he is going to have to do that. He is SO dedicated to TTC that as soon as I mentioned that he was going to be gone during O week he said "I'll just drive back and forth" There was no more talk, he made up his mind :)
I find it absolutely amazing that he wants this as much as I do, actually probably more. It also saddens me to know that if he had picked any other woman he would be a father already. Not only did I make him wait years before trying, but now we are struggling :( He gets upset every time I mention that and tells me that he would rather have me than children if it came down to that. And for him, that means more than words could ever describe. He sure does know how to make a girl feel good about herself :)

Why Can't I...

2010-03-14T16:50:00.000-07:00

Just stop looking at baby stuff already!! I swear, I am obsessive and I don't know how to stop!! It hurts every time I look, so why do I keep doing it? Am I just looking to torture myself? At first I just felt like I was educating myself with looking at the CD's and all, but now its just ridiculous. I don't have a baby, I am not pregnant, so why can't I stop looking at all this freaking baby stuff!!

Okay, I think I am done with my rant now. Today is CD 2 and I don't know if I am ready for this cycle. I just feel 'done' with TTC. I don't want a baby any less than I did 15 months ago, but I want my sanity back. I feel like such a failure, everyday is a constant reminder that I suck. That my body sucks, and this whole situation sucks. I was really hoping to get pregnant and have a baby before 2010 was up. That way I could go back to school and everything would work out smoothly. This cycle will be our last chance to make that happen. I suppose maybe that's why I am so stressed.

This will be cycle #5 on Clomid. Will it ever work? Or am I destined to keep trying and trying, dumping more and more money into TTC and get nothing in return? So many questions, and absolutely no answers......

Feeling Sorry For Myself

2010-03-04T18:27:00.000-08:00

Didn't O until CD18, but better than CD21 LOL Not feeling very optimistic about this cycle for some reason.. Although I don't have any particular reason not too, I just don't... What can I say? I am a pessimist LOL I think some of it may have to do with my Progesterone testing tomorrow. I am so worried that my levels aren't going to be high enough.

I guess four Clomid cycles in and I am getting a little exhausted.. It has been very stressful over the past year, and now all the meds are just adding to it... Sometimes I wonder if its all even worth it... I mean I want to have a baby, but what if no baby comes of all the effort I have been putting in. What than? Do I write it off as a failure and move on? Would I be able to move on?

I suppose I am getting ahead of myself. My OB agreed to 5 total cycles on 150mg (although I really don't want to be on it that long) so almost 2 cycles down and 3 to go... It doesn't help that DH is out of town, he is really good at getting me out of these funks that I get into... I suppose I will have to tough it out until tmrw night when he comes home =)

150mg Round 2

2010-02-24T04:18:00.000-08:00

Currently CD16 and it looks like I may have O'd yesterday.. Although I suppose that would be a good thing so I am not complaining lol =) My OB put me on Metformin a couple weeks ago at my last appointment and I wonder if that had a hand in me O'ing earlier? I suppose only time will tell!! The Metformin is ridiculous!! It has had my tummy so upset for the past couple weeks it's not even funny!! I almost want to stop taking it, but if I did O yesterday and the Met was the cause than I don't want to mess with a good thing KWIM :-) Other than that nothing overly interesting is going on.. Still have to work some kinks out when it comes to the house situation, and our remodeling discussions are becoming more and more frequent... DH wants to start on the 'baby to be's room' but I kind of want to wait... I am optimistic that we are going to get pregnant, but IF we don't than there are other places in the house I would like to start remodeling first. Oh well, we will see =)

CH's never looked so beautiful!!

2010-01-29T03:50:00.000-08:00

It seems I ovulated!!! Late that is, on CD21, but ovulated none the less! It's amazing how exciting this can be, considering we haven't achieved pregnancy yet I feel so much closer to our goal. William was confused when I woke up this morning and told him I had O'd over the weekend. We had talked and kind of both decided we had no faith in the 150mg and as I posted the other day our TTC journey would have been over.

Now that the 150mg worked, he wants to continue to TTC. Which is okay, but we've also got to deal with buying this place and remodeling it. I am just afraid of over whelming us. William is pretty adamant(in his way) about continuing to TTC. I am leaning towards yes at the moment only because we've come this far and I have put my body through too much crap to give up now!!

Our journey has come to an end...

2010-01-27T08:40:00.000-08:00

It seems that the 150mg did not work.. Which means our TTC journey is coming to an end for some time.. We can't afford to go through the testing and treatment that a specialist would require =( It is unfortunate, but financially we just aren't able to swing it at this point in our life...

Although on the bright side, our land lords have finally decided to sell us this place. So that is exciting. We decided fixing up the house was more pertinent than funding our TTC journey at this point in our life. I will continue to save, but the saving will be split to fund our remodeling as well. Maybe over the next couple of years we maybe able to return to TTC'ing but for now, it's just not very realistic.

I am also putting a big step forward trying to loose weight, in the hope that the weight loss will stimulate some sort of response related to regulating my cycles. One can only hope, but loosing weight will be a slow process so once again only time will tell =(

So I Start...

2010-01-07T17:28:00.000-08:00

150mg tomorrow.... Really hoping it works, because if not this is the end of our TTC journey for a while =( It's really frustrating to decide to have a baby and than your body will not cooperate with you... We can't afford to continue any further at the moment... Hopefully when our income tax comes in that will at least give us enough money to have some tests down to get a more definitive 'game plan' so to speak. If only the stupid insurance company would agree to cover just a little bit of the costs it would be so helpful, but unfortunately being infertile isn't important enough to be covered under HMO Insurance =(

Waiting to O or Maybe I already did??

2009-12-12T15:10:00.001-08:00

Well didn't get to temp this morning because I forgot I had put my cell phone on silent last night =(
But my temp did take a slight upward curve yesterday so I guess only time will tell.. I don't think I O'd though cause that would just be way too soon!!
Surprisingly while on the 100mg I had less side effects than when I was on 50mg... I thought that was kind of weird, but hey I am not complaining lol =D Oh and we are supposed to be BD'ing like crazy but nooo I had to get a yeast infection... Rrrrr...
I am really hoping this cycle works!! It is kind of frustrating knowing we are doing everything we can and are still failing =( I am just trying to stay positive!! I know how badly DH wants this and I really want to make this a reality for him, that the idea that we may not is just horrible!!

All New Cycle!!

2009-11-30T18:31:00.000-08:00

AF finally started today ((hooray)) Took a whole 12 days since I finished the Provera =( but oh well it is what it is =) I start Clomid 100mg on Friday!! Let's keep our fingers crossed that it works this time!!
Good news, William possibly might have a new job!!!! It is nothing fancy just a mechanic position, but something is better than nothing! I am so excited at just the possibility that he might have a regular steady job!! It'll be a real help if all works out so that when we do manage to get pregnant I can definitely take a full 3 months off with the baby. Which is what I really want to do, that way I would have time to spend with the little one before I have to get back to the rush rush of daily life =)

Awaiting AF AGAIN!!

2009-11-21T20:18:00.001-08:00

Day 3 past last Provera pill =) Finally got my doctor to call in my new 100mg Clomid! YAY! Hoping AF shows soon so that we can get this show on the road!! I am so ready for this to work! Just to O would make me so very happy... My period is going to be here soon because my (.)(.)'s have been so extremely sore it is ridiculous!! But I suppose thats the price we pay for TTC =)

Clomid 50mg... BUST!!

2009-11-09T20:17:00.000-08:00

Well officially gave up on 50mg =( Started Provera again tonight and I guess I will be doing it all over again at 100mg... Well maybe that is... The doctor didn't really want to do the 100mg before DH got his S/A, but were not going to be able to do that right away due to his work... Calling him again tomorrow to see if he will be willing to start us on another cycle before getting it done!!
Keeping our fingers crossed that the 100mg works!!

So... now waiting to O...

2009-10-28T12:49:00.000-07:00

Well... Finished Clomid (50mg) this past Friday, been taking OPK's since Monday and all negative... Although the one I took today had a line on one side that looked almost as dark as the control line... Of course instead of waiting to dump out the cup to use the digital to double check... I dumped it like an idiot, now I have to wait another 4 hours to do it all over again... Ugh...
Oh BTW: I bought the CB digitals to use as my back up for when I thought I had a + on the IC.... Since I am oh so very bad at interpreting lines.
Got my nails painted today they are red and black... Very tasteful though so that after Halloweens over I don't have to run out and get them repainted right away... Dressing up for work on Friday and I have a Halloween Party that we are going to Friday night so I will most definitely post some pics =) My costume is pretty lame... It is some medieval, gothic, robe-hooded type thing... Its the only thing I could find that would be 'work appropriate' and I am too cheap to buy another one just to wear to the Halloween Party. So oh well, it'll work =) I wasn't going to drink because I didn't want to mess up my temps but I might just break that... It's been a kind of depressing week thus far..

CD #1!!!!

2009-10-15T20:10:00.000-07:00

Well AF showed today!! I was oh so excited to begin my first cycle on Clomid!! Keeping fingers crossed that it does indeed cause me to O!!! Now I just have to get through the Provera induced period and oh so much fun side effects of the Clomid!! My biggest bummer about the idea of Clomid not working (at 50 mg) is the fact that I will have to go through another dose of the Provera.... Ugh... that was the most miserable 10 days ever!! I had migraines, nausea's all the time, overwhelmingly tired, and just flat out bitchy the whole time!!
Poor DH is probably going to end up pitching a tent in the backyard to get away from me if the Clomid is just as bad lol I honestly never thought I would be this excited with the thought of putting my body through hell, stretching it beyond belief, and going through miserable child birth!! But damnit I am!!

Waiting for AF!!

2009-10-10T20:14:00.000-07:00

Took last Provera pill last night and am now officially waiting AF to show!!! Time for a whole new cycle and Clomid!!! Staying positive, keep telling myself that this is most definitely going to work!!
I just hope AF doesn't take too long to get here.... Like Tomorrow!!! No cramps or anything yet (some backaches but I have been having that for like 3 0r 4 days now) So she'll probably take her sweet ass time showing up when I actually want her =(

I did some researching today and have made the decision to become a CD'er (Cloth Diaperer) Early? Yes I know, I just want to be prepared!! It is a really nifty thing, great for the environment, and so damn cute!! It's alot cuter than what I thought initially!! I always thought it would be icky and complicated, but its really not!! So looking forward to that. Hubby things I am a little crazy but thats okay. He said we will do whatever I decide and I have decided to CD =)

Halfway Through Provera

2009-10-04T16:50:00.000-07:00

Day 5 of Provera and man do I feel like crap!! I am bloated, cranky, constantly hungry, multiple headaches, etc.... But I am trying to stay positive!! Hopefully AF will come quickly after I get done with pill number 10 so we can move onto our new cycle and first round of Clomid!! He is starting me on 50 mg which he doesn't think will work, but he doesn't want to start me off on anything higher just in case :) I am okay with that, he says if it doesn't work we bump up until 100 mg and than 150 mg... If it doesn't work at 150 mg he will probably refer me to an RE... Supposed to be getting a S/A done before this cycle starts, but I don't think we are going to have the money... Trying to come up with it, so we will see!

Other than that mess, my life has been pretty uneventful. I am getting so excited and scared at the same time. Excited that this time next month I could be on my way to being a mommy. Scared that the Clomid won't work and we will have too look into other options. None of which we can afford :(
Hubby is being really supportive though and even though I know how much he wants a child he has already acknowledged the fact that it may not be a possibility. I was worried that my possible inability to give him a child may do serious damage to our relationship, but so far he seems okay with it. He says he loves me regardless of the outcome of the next few months =) He is such a sweetheart!

2009-09-23T22:42:00.001-07:00

After much time and resentment I decided I needed an outlet-hence the blog.... William (DH) and I have been TTC since January 09... I went to the doctors today for my yearly and decided to discuss with him that we were TTC even though it hadn't quite been a year yet... Based upon my 4 to 6 month cycles and a couple other things he suspects PCOS... I knew it was a possibility, I have known from the beginning that something was wrong and it would be difficult for us to get pregnant. I thought maybe knowing what the problem was would help make me feel better, but for some reason it doesn't.

I go back next Wednesday(my next day off) to discuss the results of the 5 Viles of blood they took from me today =( Which took the lady 3 pokes to get, because instead of listening to me and using a butterfly needle on my hand she decided she felt the need to poke each arm at least once with the big needle just to confirm she couldn't get blood that way!!! Doctor wants to put me on Clomid for a few cycles to see how that works out, which is great but I am worried that it won't work.... I am a pessimist what can I say? If it doesn't going to an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) isn't even an option because my insurance doesn't cover any infertility treatments and DH and I just can't afford the treatments out of pocket.

DH keeps telling me to look on the bright side and try to stay positive and I am, I really am it is just so damn hard! I guess I will try to hold my sanity together for a little while longer and keep hoping to see a BFP very soon =)